Thursday, Feb 2

Lights Out

Find a date before Valentine’s Day by groping around in the dark until you find something you fancy. It may not be covered in chocolate, but I can guarantee you can eat until you are full — and not a calorie in sight. This weekly night is infamous for its low lighting and frisky men. If you’re shy, you’ll emerge a champ.

4pm–4am. Steamworks Baths, 123 W Pender Street. Rates start at $15. steamworksbaths.com

 

Friday, Feb 3

Taboo

I met a couple of men — on separate nights — and they turned out to be the best one-night stands I ever had.  This show is a perfect cover for those not quite out of the closet (or quietly bisexual). While their girlfriends look at all the hot men, so can they. This annual three-day show has all you want to sexually enhance your life — bondage, virtual reality porn, ass competition, the Body Heat All Male Review, and of course, the giant penis painter himself, Brent Ray Fraser. Yes, he is painting. Check out the website for the full schedule. 

Tonight 5pm–12am, Saturday 12pm–12am and Sunday 12pm–6pm. Vancouver Convention Centre, 999 Canada Place. Admission $20 per day. tabooshow.com/Taboo-Vancouver

 

Bitch Please

It’s hard to believe that Alma Bitches is the numero uno bitch at the House of Bitches. She’s so sweet and demure. But that is day-drag Alma; Alma at night is a whole different story. This is her group’s first pop-up event, featuring Ilona, Rich Elle, Eva Scarlett and Jo Duree — probably not a show to take your grandmother to, unless granny used to be a madam. DJ G-Luve brings the stability back and keeps you dancing all night, so drop by and get in on the ground floor of a new event.

9pm–3am. XYYVR, 1216 Bute St. Cover $5 all night. facebook.com/events/1185414431574073/

 

Britney X Britney

If Adam Dreaddy hadn’t left us for Montreal — and blocked most of us on Facebook — we could flog a show about pre-shaved-head and post-shaved-head Britney Spears that would drive him crazy. A night full of Britney doing what she does best, and you wont even see her lips move so it’s just like being at her concert. Come dance to all her hits, drink some Britney cocktails and bet your friends whether Britney, aka Carlotta Gurl, shows up and does a few flash shots that Brit is famous for.

9pm–3am. The Odyssey, 686 W Hastings St. Free entry but must register online for guest list at theodyssey.ca. More info at facebook.com/events/929170490548534/

 

Peach Cobblah Live

I know what you’re thinking. She’s always live. That may be true, but sometimes she’s so polluted they just prop the Peach up in a corner while Isolde sits behind and does the hand movements. Seriously, she’s one of the hardest working girls, entertaining us for what seems like six nights a week — and flawlessly at that. Tonight if you want a taste of the Peach you must travel across the strait. Peach Cobblah, along with the legendary Gouda Gabour and Mr Gay Vancouver Island, Persi Flage, will make you glad you made the voyage.

11pm–2am. Paparazzi Nightclub, 642 Johnson St, Victoria. Cover $8. paparazzinightclub.com/events.html

 

Saturday, Feb 4

Feb-Rubbery

Who knew that a fetish event would be named after the way my mother always made chicken taste? Get ready as Vancouver Rubber Men invade Pumpjack with a whole lot of shiny, tight, slippery and boner-inducing invincible rubber. All I want to do is slide my hands all over it — and they usually let you — and then stand back as the rubber expands as far as it can.

2–5pm. Pumpjack Pub, 1167 Davie St. No cover. vanrubbermen.com

 

Van-Pah Mosh Time

Pumpjack is an equal-opportunity event provider. While rubber occupies the back, puppy play is at the front. Watch the puppies sniff and play all over the bar. A mosh is an opportunity for pups and their handlers to get together and socialize. Come on out to romp, socialize or just explore.

2–4pm. Pumpjack Pub, 1167 Davie St. No cover. vanpah.com

 

WESA Registration

Who’s ready for some ball play? No, not the hairy ones. Smooth, unwashed and stitched ones, so yes, baseballs. It’s that time of year to act upon what you always say: “West End Slo-Pitch Association is great, I’m going to join a team next year.” Get cracking because teams fill up fast. The season runs from the end of April to the end of July or early August. Meet a crazy number of people and get some exercise while you’re at it. Today is the first day of online registration followed by a welcoming party later in the month. For information and registration form, visit wesa.net.

 

XY: onyx

Not only is this a hot night of entertainment in a classy nightclub with stunning bar staff, but it also has a hidden hottie. DJ Landon James is one of those sultry, sexy, quiet DJs with a body that could be in GQ, or at least Scruff — and he plays great music to boot. Tonight, Coco Klein is in the house ready to knock you on your ass with one of the fiercest drag performances you’ll ever see. Don’t take my word for it, just go. Hands off the DJ, if you can.

9pm–3am. XYYVR, 1216 Bute St. Cover $5. facebook.com/xyvancouver/

 

Sunday, Feb 5

Kegger

Sometimes you just need a quiet place to have a drink and reflect on your life. This is not that place. With a muscle piggy on the poster you should have guessed. A great spot to have drinks, rub up against shirtless, hairy, hot, handsome men and hear some of the city’s best DJs. Nick Bertossi, Robyn Graves, Mumbles and even Del Stamp rotate weekly. FYI, Del is usually one of the hotties you are rubbing up against.  

1pm–late. Pumpjack Pub, 1167 Davie St. No cover. pumpjackpub.com

 

Imperial Crown Prince & Princess Ball

These days you can’t tell royalty from common folk in the village because of the slew of pageants. Add in all the drag queens who wear tiaras and my head starts to spin. Tonight your hosts are Princes 45, Shayne and Norman, plus Princesses 45, Glitteris and Berlin. Yes, that’s right, a pair of each. I’m completely confused and hopefully I figure it all out before the ball. The theme is Flashback to the ’80s, so expect a preppies-meet-mullets type of occasion.

8pm. The Junction, 1138 Davie St. Cover $5 for the Dogwood Monarchy Society. junctionpub.com

 

Sanctuary & The Shequel

With all the shows Alma Bitches does, it’s a wonder anyone else gets any gigs. Get this: she has two on the same night and on the same block. Start off at 1181 for Sanctuary with Alma’s first-born Ilona joining in. Time to dust off your Sunday best and head to the new church on Davie St. Then head up the block a bit to XY where Alma and her entourage tear it up again until the wee hours.

Sanctuary 10pm. 1181, 1181 Davie St. Shequel  12am, XYYVR, 1216 Bute St. Cover is free at 1181, $5 at XY unless you have your Legends stamp from earlier. facebook.com/events/1861048944134996/

 

Monday, Feb 6

G-Spot

Time to get down to business with the female version of the prostate — that elusive g-spot. In a cozy, comfortable atmosphere, they will show you expert finger techniques, discuss positions and toys, as well as cover the anatomy of this exquisite pleasure centre. If you’re curious to see one and watch a woman ejaculate, there’ll be educational video clips available and handouts to take home. There’s your Monday night taken care of.

7:30pm. The Art of Loving, 369 W Broadway St. Workshop $20. Register at artofloving.ca.  

 

Tuesday, Feb 7

Dirty Little Secrets

We all have them. Disgruntled exes expose them, while some slip out after too many cocktails. At this event, you reveal them voluntarily — anonymously, of course, except for the heavy sweating and tell-tale, red-faced person in the audience who thought this was a bad idea. Write it down, toss it in the jar, and watch a cast of top improvisors explore the possibilities with every secret they pull and act out on stage.

7–9:30pm. XYYVR, 1216 Bute St. No cover. $5 a secret in the jar. facebook.com/events/1320949987927462/

 

Dirty Pots And Dirty Pictures

If you’ve ever seen my husband, you know this just means doing the dishes at our place. Get dirty at the Gallery of BC Ceramics at a night of erotic photography by Ryan Rose and sexy ceramics by the Potters Guild of BC. Rose takes it all off for his nude self-portraits that blend campy aesthetics with sincere gender subversion. He’ll pose live with guests in a steamy and scandalous photo opportunity. Capture the moment forever with pics that could ruin your future. Warning: First three rows will get wet.

7–11pm. Gallery of BC Ceramics, 1359 Cartwright St. No cover. facebook.com/events/103062273525243/

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