Dear Dr Ren,
I’m a bisexual man in my 40s. I have had, and enjoyed, sex with both genders, though I form my romantic relationships with women. The problem is I have a fetish that requires the presence of another man to make sex with a woman really hot for me. I’m questioning what this means, and I’m very confused.
I don’t feel like I’m repressing a gay identity because, even when I’ve been involved with men, sex isn’t nearly as hot as when there’s a woman present. But being just with a woman isn’t completely working either.
I am most turned on when I can watch another guy have sex with my girlfriend. On “special occasions” she’ll do this with me, but mostly I satisfy my craving with cuckold porn.
This cuckold fantasy keeps me constantly craving and simultaneously dissatisfied. How can I lessen its grip on me?— Three Is Better
Dear Three Is Better,
Your letter tells me that, although you enjoy relating to men on occasion, your primary erotic connections are with women. The threesomes you love let you get off watching both your target genders while affording you the cover of simply witnessing.
One of the thrills of threesomes is the risk that any pair may separate and form their own intimate dyad. That prospect keeps all the players on high alert, giving their best performances, lest they lose favour. Such sex, fuelled by competition, is rarely dull. Hot sex is a big draw.
So engaging in threesomes maximizes your arousal. That makes sense. What else seems true is that you need female energy present to ignite your arousal. When your girlfriend is present, whether intimately with you or remotely with another desirable man, your erotic loop is complete. It may be the lack of distaff energy that accounts for your lukewarm liaisons with men.
And yet . . .
When you arrange these cuckolding experiences, you prefer watching another man with your woman. Do you wonder about watching two women together? If not, then let me suggest that you have managed to design the best possible combination of erotic triggers for you. You like sex with men. You also like sex with women. And your best sex is watching one of each have sex with each other. How many people would envy your clarity!
You complain only that coupled sex in between these peak encounters isn’t quite as thrilling. Do you believe you would be happy if every sexual experience involved your peak fantasy? Unlikely. Anything done all the time loses its special quality.
We are terribly complex sexual beings. As we continue to research sex, we are learning that not only female, but also male, sexuality is more fluid than we once supposed. The broad spectrum of porn now available provides access to diverse and expansive fantasies. Yours is as valid as any other.
As a guy who needs threesomes to keep things hot, make sure you appreciate your girlfriend’s willingness to accommodate your turn-on and ensure her good time as well. Keep relationship maintenance high on your list. A mate who embraces your unique desires deserves to be treasured.
Rather than viewing your excitement about cuckoldry as a problem, why not welcome this peak experience as the combination of images and sensations that rank a 10 on your “hot meter”?
It’s to your benefit to understand your individual definition of sexual satisfaction, and you seem to be clear about this. You know that a threesome in a cuckold setting creates a peak erotic experience for you, and you have fashioned an environment in which that can happen. Bravo.
Enjoy what you have and don’t waste any more time worrying about what it all means.
Dr Pega Ren is Xtra’s queer- and kink-friendly sex therapist, specializing in relationship and sexual issues, including concerns of the aging population. To learn more about her and the work she does, or to book a session, visit her website at smartsextalk.com. Have a question for Dr Ren? Send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org.