Toronto Diary
2 min

A hypothetical conversation with an Ontario Catholic school board

Ontario Catholic School Board: Oh hey, listen… We personally have a problem with people who are different from us, so would anybody mind if we subjugated and disenfranchised people who don’t think and act the way we do?

Ontario: Ummmmm… What the shit is wrong with you? Did your mom pour mercury on her Cheerios while she was pregnant with you? No, you can’t do that — that’s morally reprehensible.

OCSB: Okay, new plan… What if we told you that a giant told us to do it?

Ontario: … What? 

OCSB: Yeah, totally, a bearded giant told us to treat people who weren’t like us like shit.

Ontario: Can we meet this bearded giant you speak of?

OCSB: No, he’s invisible.

Ontario: Well, we can still meet him I guess. You know, make him wear giant clothes. Maybe some giant glasses. Also, how do you know he has a beard if he’s invisible?

OCSB: WE JUST DO. Also, you can’t meet him because he lives in the sky.

Ontario: Okay, yeah, why not? But why would you listen to the invisible bearded sky giant if he tells you to do horrible things to people?

OCSB: Because he loves everyone.

Ontario: I think we have different definitions of “love.” And “everyone."

OCSB: No, it’s true! He loves everyone! And when we die, he brings us up into the sky with him to eat cake and play Mario Kart!

Ontario: Oh, well, that sounds —

OCSB: — except for the different people. He sets them on fire forever.

Ontario: … What. The. Shit.

OCSB: It’s all right here in this old book we found! Here, read it.

Ontario: Yeah, this book is actually pretty contradictory at best, but I think the overall message is to love everyone and treat everyone with the same respect and dignity. I don’t really think there’s anything in here about being a total dick to people you have a problem with.

OCSB: What? No, it totally gives us the okay to be giant douchers.

Ontario: No, this guy hung out with prostitutes and sinners and gave all his money to the poor. At best, you completely misread the book, and at worse, you’re using it to justify your own inhumanity.

OCSB: Well, you can think of it that way, ooooooor… FLYING INVISIBLE BEARDED GIANT!

Ontario: Congratulations. You have concocted an argument so insane, I cannot debate against it. Here’s all our money; go nuts.

OCSB: Well that’s just great, because "People who are lesbian and gay shouldn’t even be considered humans because they’re below sewer rats." [Note: ACTUAL QUOTE.]

Ontario: Yes, way to fail completely at the thing you devoted your entire life to. Nice job.

And scene. 

(A side note: Yes, I know Steve Jobs died. My thoughts and prayers go out to his family.) 

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