A response to the homophobic trolls who attacked George Smitherman

In the wake of George Smitherman’s husband going missing, most people took the opportunity to send messages of hope and positivity to Smitherman and his family in their time of need. There was also a bunch of dicks. Just so many anonymous internet dicks being just the worst kind of people.

Thankfully, we were able to compile a bunch of the worst troll comments below, and for the sake of education, I’ve taken it upon myself to help clarify these poor, stupid assholes’ concerns. Consider the library open.

Dear Lexa,

Thank you for your concern. Unfortunately, gay men cannot stop being gay just because they get “tired” of it. You, on the other hand, can stop being a judgmental jag-off any time you want. Aaaaaaaaanytime now. The sooner the better, really.

Hope that helps!

Dear MM,

Damn, you caught us! We’ve been secretly entering the government so that we could control it from the inside. Our secret plan to trick voters into supporting policies and values they approve of . . . all spoiled thanks to your tireless sleuthing!

But it’s too late! Gay people are in office, so now we can just pass all the laws we want without any oversight. Because that’s how that works! It’s sort of like how the US has a black president, so nothing bad ever happens to innocent black kids — oh, wait.

Hope that helps!

Dear Edjoy74,

Look, I know the weather’s complete shit right now, but I would hardly call this the last days. It would be like saying your comment is a vortex of stupid that will one day swallow the earth whole and tear apart the fabric of time and space, when in reality, it’s merely garden-variety derp. Even your mediocrity is mediocre.

But you’re right: two people of the same sex in a loving relationship? Hilarious! Look at them manoeuvring the twists and turns of life, relying on each other for guidance and support, realizing their full potential in each other, accepting each other’s faults and forgiving each other’s misgivings . . . Oh god, you’re so lonely . . . I mean HAHA GAY MARRIAGE, RIGHT?

Hope that helps!

Dear John,

As evidenced by your use of the terms “frikkin” and “them people,” you are clearly not a zoologist — or someone capable of performing a two-second Google search — so obviously, you weren’t aware that numerous animals are naturally down with the rainbow. But don’t worry, we won’t hold that against you.

But you’re right: most homosexual male couples can’t conceive on their own. Sort of like how couples with reproductive issues and elderly couples can’t reproduce. What a bunch of frikkin morons! And as we all know, thanks to the all-homosexual government mentioned by MM, all couples who can’t conceive are immediately sent to jail.

In all seriousness, though, your family tree is really more of a wreath, isn’t it?

Hope that helps!

Dear Zoie,

N O, T Y P I N G L I K E T H I S D O E S N ‘ T M A K E Y O U L O O K L I K E A F U C K I N G
L O B O T O M Y P A T I E N T A T A L L .

H O P E T H A T H E L P S !