Toronto Diary
1 min

A sacrifice to the statue of Alexander Wood

A few people have seen me walking around the Village and asked me why I keep rubbing the butt on the statue of Alexander Wood. Am I polishing it? Do I get a weird sexual thrill touching tiny metal statue butts? It’s a sex thing, isn’t it?

The truth is that the statue of Alexander Wood, on the corner of Alexander and Church streets, is a magnanimous, all-powerful deity who watches over the Church-Wellesley Village and rewards those who make sacrifices at its feet or rubs its magical deity butt. No, seriously.

Have you ever seen random objects placed at the feet of the statue? Obviously, those are sacrifices. One time I saw a box of Trojan condoms, which means that the giver would be rewarded with hot, safe sex that night. Another time, I saw a box of Viagra, which means that the sacrificer would have great virility that night. And if you rub its butt? It grants you good luck. Science, bitches.

But lo, did those sitting at the benches of Church and Alexander forsake the offering and neglect the rubbing of the butt, and Alexander Wood saw that this was super shitty. He saw that some people were exchanging drugs or passing out with their ass-cracks hanging out during Pride, and he saw that it was kinda sketchy. And so, Alexander Wood sayeth, “Let those who forsaketh my tuchus sit on the ground, losing thy benches. You have angered the Alexander Wood statue, and now thou must payeth for thy negligence. No, seriously, not cool guys. Super not cool."

And that’s why the benches were removed. You all should have rubbed the butt more. 

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