Dear Sassy Gay Friend,
Can I call you just Sassy, or would that be too informal? Well whatever, I’m calling you Sassy. Look, when you first came out and started giving the great fictional women of literature logical, straightforward advice in a flamboyantly out-there way, we loved you for it. At last! Someone was telling that stupid bitch Juliet Capulet to stop beating around the bush and take a ride on Romeo’s Montague! Now we didn’t have to suffer through two hours of dense, impenetrable dialogue!
But here’s the thing… Look, it hurts us to say this, but we think you have a problem with this Mio stuff. I mean sure, it was harmless at first, but you’re beginning to show signs of addiction, and it’s starting to affect your work and our friendship. Sure, today it’s chemical water bullshit, but tomorrow you’ll be snorting Kool-Aid powder and mainlining Crystal Lite directly into your femoral artery.
We’re just worried about you, is all. We think you need to seek therapy to help you battle these addiction issues, if not for us, then for yourself.