Opinion
1 min

Age of Aqueerius

Your bi-weekly horoscopes from the mystical mind of Ryan Kerr

your bi-weekly horoscopes Credit: Darryl Mabey
THANK THE LAWD! Ryan Kerr is back with his “blunter-than-usual” cavalcade of whore-o-scope realness – just in time for the summer heatwave!
 
 
 
Cancer
 
Ellen degeneres' signature awkward dance moves are charming, funny and non threatening to others in the room. Doesn't mean they’re working for you.
 
Leo
 
Not long ago, Grindr censored the word “penis” in my profile. I’m not sure why, as I saw your profile was left untouched: “Hot hung horny desperate shy”. What gives?
 
Virgo
 
If someone at work gives you some email cut-eye this week, litter their desk in chocolate chips and crushed Doritos. I need a job.
 
Libra
 
Nothing says “Good morning!” like a cappuccino lacking microfoam or, for you less-refined palates, a Timbit sampler with only 9 sugary bits. Demand better. It’s too hot for you to put up with mistakes.
 
Scorpio
 
My dog is so happy burying her face in holes and gumming sticks. You should ask her how she gets so much.
 
Sagittarius 
 
After some recent news, you feel like a small town girl living in a lonely world. At this point, you could take a midnight train going ANYWHERE. But I’m here to tell you: don't stop believin'.
 
Capricorn
 
I can always tell when things are changing for you Caps: the heels of your shoes are dirty from being dragged towards the future! 
 
Aquarius
 
I’m coming over, I hear you have a pool. Clean your toilet.
 
Pisces
 
According to the side of a Metro transport truck, fish is now getting to your table faster than ever. Good for you!
 
Aries
 
Living in your own exciting world is incredible and wonderful. And lonely.
 
 
Taurus
 
When it's this damn hot outside, keep your whistle wet. If this means bending some of your good-girl morals to include fluids normally reserved for a second date, remember: "dehydration kills".
 
Gemini
 
I went to the store today and asked them to carry my favourite t-shirt brand so I didn’t have to settle for the mediocre shiz they had. Can you find ways to trade up too? (Dump him!)