Toronto
3 min

All you can eat

Pussy is an important part of any queer woman’s proper diet. Many dietitians overlook pussy as an example of a healthy, well-balanced meal but not only does pussy come ready to serve but it also comes with the convenience of not requiring warming or the use of any utensils.

So if this tasty meal is full of such divine satisfaction why am I still hearing horror stories about dykes who don’t know how to go down on other women? Remember that it is up to each of us to learn how to become attentive and pleasing lovers. Oral sex can be a great way to make our lovers feel special through focusing on their personal pleasure. Let me take this opportunity to educate the ignorant on how to make a pussy purr.

For those who have experienced a good licking in the past you may relate to my wisdom. For those who are still searching to find the right tongue (and lips and maybe even a hint of teeth) don’t be shy about telling your lover what you like. To those who are nervous about having someone go down on them, please girls, trust me. When pussy is eaten in a precise and proper manner it is like finding candy at the bottom of your purse. Relax and suck. Feeling confident in your body will help you to comfortably experience the pleasure of having oral sex performed on you. Remember that you are beautiful no matter your shape or size.

But back to being on the giving end. When it’s your turn to put your skills into motion between her thighs make sure you tell your lover to buckle her seatbelt for a thrilling rollercoaster ride ’cause choo choo choo it’s time to ride on the coochie train!

First off know the basic functions of a woman’s body. I do not want to digress into an anatomy lesson, but the labia aren’t a labyrinth. If you’ve got your own pussy spend some time with it and get to know the nature of the creature that you’re dealing with. Remember though that not everyone’s pussy responds in the same way. You’ll have to do some deep exploration if you’re going to get results.

Take a little trip downtown to investigate her reactions: lick around, up and down, soft and hard, deep and with a teasing tip. Be aware of the way she is reacting and in what areas your movements are receiving triumphant screams. Aspire to be intimate and interactive with her golden conch. Think deep impact, emotional high.

Dedication is key. Like many other skills in life your ability to be a tongue temptress will grow with time and maturity. But make sure that every time you go down on someone it is invigorating, like a sweat session at the gym. Work it on out and please don’t forget the clit, folks. Think of the clit like Whitney Houston’s panic button in The Bodyguard. Push it. Afterward you may feel dizzy or disoriented. This is normal. Just breathe.

Going straight to oral sex is boring, like tackling an assigned task in a workday. Don’t neglect her thighs, hips, stomach, breasts, arms, legs and back. Tease her and get her going before you walk her toward the light.

Have a conversation with your lady. Ask her what feels good so that you can strive to be the best pussy eater you can be. Communication is essential before, during and after sex, so don’t hide your shy face even if it is full of white love stains. Ask and you shall find answers on how to please her. It is better to ask and learn than not to ask and be a lousy lover.

Get messy. Pussy is messy so deal with it. Wear a bib if necessary or bring a napkin. If you’re engaging in pre-party pussy licking don’t fret. After a few gagging coughs, a little face wash and some Listerine you will be presentable to the world again. Don’t forget to sweep for pubes in the teeth. Tricky buggers.

Some of you may be turned off by the taste of pussy. Yes, it is true, there are some nasty pussies out there. But think of pussy as an acquired taste, like olives or caviar. We must expand our palates to crave such refined delights. Pâté and pussy, anyone?

That said if you want someone to munch you it is only fair that you tame your shrew. Who wants an ugly and smelly wet cat in their face? Not me. Do not neglect your hygiene lest you turn into unattractive pussy-monsters. Shave, wax or trim.

Now go forth and make me proud by putting this recipe for pleasure into practice. To all my fine lady friends I wish you a new year full of champagne orgasms and G-spot dreams.