Toronto Diary
2 min

America’s Next Bottom Superhero

Goddammit, I really should have held onto that *sploosh* gif for today . . . Oh well. Coulda shoulda woulda.

Anyway, if you’ve been paying attention to the promotional posters for Joss Whedon’s The Avengers, you’ve probably noticed by now that Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow isn’t so much a character as she is a sentient, leather-clad ass with a human-shaped tumour growing out the back of it. You know, because there isn’t enough pop culture being marketed to teenaged boys and the grown men who think like them.

Kevin Bolk, noticing the inherent sexism of this, decided to flip the switch by making a mock-up of a poster where all the male Avengers show off their asses for the ladies. And gay men. So in order to further sexualize men, thus creating a little equilibrium in all of this, let’s see who’s the biggest bottom out of the Avengers, shall we?

Captain America

Clearly, he’s done this before. Anyone who can actually detach his vertebrae to achieve the perfect 2:3 ratio in order to make his ass and chest look bigger while making his waist look slimmer knows a thing or two about posing for online pics to troll for peen. But as for how big a bottom he is, Captain America reflects his homeland: while he used to be open to anyone seeking a new home, these days it’s a little harder to get in.

Iron Man

Maybe it’s because he’s a problem alcoholic in his mid-40s with an ass encased in unforgiving iron, but Iron Man doesn’t really have the most worked-on ass. Still, if I know rich, middle-aged white men, they love whores. And even if he’s straight, I’m willing to bet he’s at least let a couple girls peg him. 

Hawkeye

Who the fuck is Hawkeye? Oh, the guy with the bow and arrow? Really? Archery is his superpower? Well, they can’t all be winners, I guess. Still, he has a nice muscular ass on him, which is always a turn-on, but unfortunately, an ass that square and muscular usually signifies straightness. *Sigh* Although he clearly knows a thing or two about hitting the spot with his quivering pricks, and he knows to bend his shot when necessary, sooooooo . . . bisexual top, anyone?

Thor

Take note, gentlemen: what Thor is doing in the picture? That’s ASL for “Grab a condom and a number. Now serving: #83.” Sure, he may be swinging a big hammer, but if this pose is any indication, he’s seen more superhero dick than the resident urologist at Marvel. Hell, he travels to Earth on a rainbow road and has a name that can only be pronounced with a lisp. He’s either a huge gay or a Super Mario character.

The Hulk

Fisting bottom. There is no way in hell anyone can look at that and think anything other than “I could shove both my arms in there and still have enough room to clap.” The Hulk has had so many hands up his ass, he’s legally considered a Muppet. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to dock points because at this point, his asshole is so swollen, puffy and green, it looks like he’s trying to give birth to a kiwi.

The winner: Thor! But only because you could fuck him without having to shake the feeling that you’re about to come down with an alien STD. 

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