Blogs & Columns
3 min

An open letter to Dr Laura

**Quick reminder – it's Gay Top Model tonight at Celebrities. Check out Trevor Ellestad's posting on StinkWallet here**

Now check this out:

<blood curdling scream>

I know. It's like looking the Bride of Satan straight in the horse-face.

A family friend of mine that goes back to the good ol' days in Cordova Bay sent me the following email this morning…and it made me snort-chuckle-snort out loud and wish that I could randomly quote the good book for hijinx-related general hilarity. Enjoy!

Laura Schlessinger is a U.S. radio personality known as Dr. Laura who
dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. On her show
recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is
an abomination, according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned
under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter
to Dr. Laura, penned by a U.S. resident, which was posted on the
internet. It's funny, as well as thought-provoking.



Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank
you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge
with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the
homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus
18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1.
Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine
claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians??

2. I would like to sell
my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and
age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I
know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how
do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbours.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5.
I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to
kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A
friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees'
of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach
the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I
wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some
wriggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair
trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is
expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

9. I
know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10.
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of
two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends
to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all
the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them?
(Lev.24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family
affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws?
(Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively
and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am
confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

Natalie Vassilaka 

 

Dear Natalie Vassilaka,

I just made love to your Dr. Laura letter with my eyes. You are delightful!

Call me.

xx

Sean