4 min

And another thing…

Chintz is not the way to go unless you are considering a career as a chesterfield

Ah, there you are once again, my fruity pebbles of love! You must stop sneaking up behind me like that. Why, what on earth is that in your pocket? Hair brush, you say? Oh, ha ha. I didn’t realize you would be quite so happy to see me.

We’ve had many a memorable moment here at the Kink Klinik discussing what is wrong with you, oopsy noodle. I meant them of course. So many beauty blunders out there, so little time. Some days I feel it is all I can do to try and resuscitate the poor beauty neophytes that flock to the doors of the Klinik. Never mind the endless job of dealing with Hedy’s ongoing image challenge. Hedy, as you probably well know, is my constant companion and most famous restoration job.

Yes, when Hedy first came to me back in the day, she resembled nothing so much as an atrocious drag king. After a few sessions with my famous wrecking ball, and a couple of tons of brick and mortar, I created the Hedy we know and love today. I leave the rest in the hands of a truly competent cosmetic surgeon. It’s all I can do.

The thing is, I want to go over some terribly important ground with you all today. In the past year, we’ve discussed everything from toenail tidying to fixing the fabulous follicles. Now I want to see what you remember because, my dearest ones, if you don’t have your image together, you have next to nothing. Believe me, that’s where you’ll end up sleeping: next to nothing-in a gutter, drainpipe or garbage bin, more than likely.

Which reminds me: it is important, even when one is sleeping in the bin, not to shop there. I can’t tell you how many people think their poo poo doesn’t pong just because they are wearing some hideous rag from Laura Ashley. Good grief! Chintz is so not the way to go, unless you are considering a career as a chesterfield. Chintz will make what is huge look massive and overwhelm anything tiny. It’s as bad as putting a horizontal stripe on a large-boned frame. You might as well wear a sign that reads “Whale Target,” and wait for the harpoon.

While I still have your attention, we need to have a teensy chat about undergarments, or your lack thereof. I don’t care what size you are, you must be strapped and bound. I have spoken. Women are not straight up and down, there are many curves to be embraced and exploited. Corsets and body slimmers are second only to diamonds as a girl’s best friend, darling. My dear friend and professional eroticist, the fabulous Miss Steel, sums it all up in one simple yet elegant phrase: tits and hips! Without them you are just a man in a frock. You may as well stay home, get good and drunk and lip synch along to your Judy Garland records. It’s what all the other men in frocks will be doing.

Alrighty then, the first thing to remember is that it doesn’t matter how you feel, it’s how you look that’s important. Go ahead and feel away, no one is actually listening. They’re looking though, and it is your civic duty and girly gift to look your best.

Your complete glamour image depends on every detail of your presentation. If the nails are shabby, your dress is torn or covered in semen, cigarette burns and grass stains, these things can detract, my dear. It is supremely important to remove all evidence of the previous night’s fun from one’s person. If you should happen to find a beer can stuck on the heel of your pump, for example, please take a moment to pluck it off. The same goes for condoms, crack pipes or stray bottles of poppers. It’s only common sense.

Common sense and courtesy also dictate that you try to stay as fresh and dainty as possible at all times. It is considered tres classique to turn one’s head away from other people when engaged in coughing, sneezing, belching or projectile vomiting. The same goes for other gassy emissions your body may come up with. Try to always turn the other cheek my dears, so much daintier.

Myself, I have always been gifted with the most incredibly dainty and modest manners, as well as being free of virtually all bodily functions-such a blessed relief. For it is not only image that makes an indelible impression, it is deportment that will get you through. I’m not talking about getting kicked out of the country, I’m talking about the way you walk, the grace of your movements, the soft bell-like tones of your voice, etc. It is my vocation as your beauty guru to help you through any awkwardness you may be experiencing. I know you think you know how to walk. I was put on this planet to tell you you’re wrong.

Some people seem to think it is tres sexy to walk as though they have something quite firmly wedged in the land of little sunshine. I say, perhaps it is time to yank out that offending member and take a look around you. A woman’s center of gravity is in the hips. A man’s center is located in the shoulders. Think about it, that’s why women have that special swish. Your homework is to put on your highest heels and then pretend you are a cat, walking a tightrope. That’s it, kittens. When you feel the bum, you’re getting the hang of the thing. Did I say you could stop now?

That’s right, very nice. Ahh, I’ve gotten quite parched just watching you. It must be time for me to retreat to my incredibly swanky pied à terre for a martini break. Keep swishing dear ones. I’ll be back to you soon with more deportment tips and answers to all your letters. Remember, a prompt reply is always best insured by an accompanying nude photo!

Mistress Rosamond took a few minutes out from the consultation with Hedy’s plastic surgeon to bring you these invaluable beauty guidelines.