So, Gawker’s Brian Moylan posted a list of secrets that gay men do not want straight men to know. It’s a fun list and well written, but are they really things straight boys don’t know? Let’s review:
"Bottoming is fun"
Wait, really? I know most straight guys have never really known of the joys of riding the man train, but do they just assume that gay guys bottom out of necessity? Does gay sex end with only a 50 percent approval rating?
"Poppers are awesome"
Actually, this one is true. I brought up poppers around my straight older brother at Christmas. He thought I was talking about bubble wrap. Oh, poor dumb-dumb . . .
"Cocksucker is not an insult”
Wait, do people still call each other cocksucker? I thought that word existed only on HBO’s Deadwood.
"We have our own celebrities"
Okay, this one I’m almost certain they know. Even straight guys know that gay pornstars are still a thing that exists. Just don’t ask them to name any.
"We want to fuck all the hot straight boys"
Oh, come on! Like they don’t know that? The one thing that straight men and gay men have in common is that they’re both men. Men will fuck anything. Ergo, gay men will fuck straight men if given half a chance. But only the hot ones. Ugly ones . . . nyeh. Not so much.
"Not all gay couples are monogamous"
This one depends: only monogamous straight people think gay people are also monogamous. So this one is really more of a secret monogamous people don’t know.
"We can have sex anywhere, anytime"
Fun fact: when I first arrived in Toronto, I ended up getting some bom-chicka-wow-wow in the bathroom of a movie theatre. You know which one. Five straight people saw us, sooooo . . . Whoops on that one. Point is, straight men are aware of this fact. Very, very aware.
"We don’t love drag queens as much as you do"
YOU HOLD YOUR WHORISH TONGUE, GOOD SIR! I fucking love drag queens and have yet to find a straight man who loves them more than I.