Music
13 min

Are you there, God? It’s me…

My beloved Pet Shop Boys kicked off their North American tour in Montreal on Saturday, then popped over to Toronto's Virgin Fest to perform a few classics:

But every mention of them this weekend expressed surprise that they're still around at all, which is pretty rich considering all the same-day praise showered on aging emo-kid Trent Reznor, the recent hype around Madonna's third greatest hits CD or, God help us, the new single from the Backstreet Boys.

Why pick on the Pet Shop Boys when there's a whole bunch of people who have seriously outstayed their welcome, people like…

Mischa Barton: the why-is-she-famous 'OC' actress says it was the pain from her wisdom teeth that drove her into rehab.  That's even less plausible than her lesbian plotline.

Dick Cheney: while getting a blowjob from FOX News' Chris Wallace yesterday, the Dark Lord of the Sith said he's "offended" by the idea of investigating him for war crimes. The actual war crimes, however, he's just fine with.

Mark Steyn: the why-can't-you-white-people-breed-faster-than-the-Arabs columnist is hopping mad that he can't sell his precious, precious sperm and he's blaming it on the transgendered. Or First Nations people.  I can't really tell so I'll just go with the Dutch.

— did you know that Saturday was a new holiday — Sarah Palin Day?  To celebrate, Glenn Beck went completely batshit crazy.

But these dreadful people are just the symptom — so you know who really needs to just go away already?  God.

You see, God, if you're listening (and the nuns told me you are), it's not that we're not grateful for everything you've created but just look at the people you inspire. Thanks to you, we've got the madness of Stephen Harper (yikes, that sounds familiar!), the egos of some seriously deluded football players, the Louisiana pastor who robbed Hurricane Katrina victims, and the new singing career of Heidi (Mischa Barton says, "Who?") Montag:

So handsome, so bitchy — Anderson always makes me feel better.  But so does this lovely story from Portland, Oregon — where United Methodist Church Rev. David Weekley revealed to his parish yesterday that he was born female.  Weekley told his congregation about his 1974 sex-change operation (to massive applause and support) and says, "God got me through." 

Oh all right, God, if the Reverend likes you, I'll let you hang around with the Pet Shop Boys.  You did, after all, shine your sun on Ottawa Pride this weekend but seriously, can't you do something about your fan club?  Or is that why you gave us Lily Allen? Mysterious ways, indeed…