3 min

Ask for what you want

Dykes and fags have different sex ads

Credit: Xtra West files

Exhibit A. Me: attractive and outgoing, loves dogs, outdoor activities and intimate dinners. You: feminine and intelligent. Seeking possible longterm relationship. Let’s make magic together.

Exhibit B. Wanted: well-hung guys interested in a good cock sucking. I’m 5’10”, ripped and uncut.

If you matched “A” with the “friends female” ad category and “B” with “friends male” ad category you are correct! And how did you know? Right again! As in so many areas we have identified in this column, boys are different than girls!

Why this difference exists is the subject of some intense debate. For example, Ann was accosted at an East End backyard party by a hot redheaded femme with an, er, bone to pick. She demanded: “I want you and what’s-her-name to write a column about personal ads and talk about why women are so fucking lame compared to the guys. Lesbians fuck, for crying out loud,” she said. “Do women really want to walk on the beach? I don’t believe it.”

She wanted to know why fag personal ads are so sexually explicit and lesbian ads almost never are. “Why don’t lesbians put out personal ads saying they’re looking for a big butch daddy who’ll fuck them up the ass or fist them in the back seat of a car?” Wanting as always to be responsive to the demands of our readers, this column is for the red-head. Here’s to ya, babe! We hope you always get what you want.

In our tradition of conducting shoddy social science research, we carefully combed the gay personal ads in Vancouver and found endless sexual possibilities open to men and not one sexually explicit ad under the “friends female” category. We’re with the redhead: why is this? We talked with a number of local dykes and fags and this is what they had to tell us.

In spite of her admiration for the way fags are so comfortable about saying what kind of sex they want and getting it, one dyke told us that classified ads simply serve a different purpose for women. “Women are wired differently. Anonymous sex isn’t in the comfort zone for many women.” Our research suggests she may have a point. Let’s look at the data.

A hot leather-dyke we spoke with had what she called a “half-night stand” and proudly reported back to a group of male friends. “I met this woman in a bar, took her home, fucked her and sent her home in a taxi. Hey guys, I had fag sex.” One of the guys asked, “What was her name?” and when the dyke knew it, he said “that’s not fag sex. We don’t learn their names.” Crushed, she groaned in failure and admitted “that was simply the best I could do.”

In contrast, one of our fag informants shared his experience with us. “I answered a personal ad and that very night, I hooked up with the guy. He’d left his front door unlocked and instructed me in advance to come right through to the bedroom. I entered the room to find him on his hands and knees with his ass aimed right at me. I fucked him and left without saying a word. The hottest thing about it is he never saw who I was: he was blindfolded. Anyone could have come in off the street and fucked the daylights out of him!

No doubt that was exactly his fantasy. You’ve got to admire the dude (and the many gay men like him) for actually making his fantasy happen.

We don’t want to idolize gay men. News flash: not all gay men are non-monogamous or into casual sex! And gay men have their share of nasty little prejudices against fat guys and positive guys and older guys who haven’t spent their entire salary trying to beat the clock. But they do seem to be able to say they want sex and exactly how, while women seem to either beat around the bush (bad pun) or use classified ads to substitute for the hard work of finding Ms Everything-About-Her-Is-Right.

Some women even try to weed out those looking primarily for sex with provisos such as “no bi-curious” or “no cougars” (a derogatory term for sexually powerful older women).

Some lesbians say they’d happily post or respond to ads looking for sex, that is, if they didn’t already have monogamous girlfriends. And perhaps it would be pushing the envelope a little too far to put an ad in saying: “Ready to dump my girlfriend but don’t want to be single at the Folk Festival. There’s nothing I won’t do for that special transitional someone including melding my body into yours as we walk through the grounds, looking deep into your eyes whenever Ferron is performing and licking the honey off your whale’s tail.”

Maybe dykes, like fags, know exactly what they want but just aren’t prepared to deal with the consequences of being that upfront about it!

What the fuck!

In our next column we describe the perfect partner.