4 min

Avoiding the urban chattering classes

A secret tape of the same-sex marriage hearings

News item: Andy Scott, John McKay and Chuck Cadman are all on record as being against same-sex marriage. Coincidentally, the three MPs are also leading Parliament’s Justice Committee investigation into whether the federal government should continue to regulate marriage and, if so, should include same-sex partners in the institution. Fellow member Peter MacKay doesn’t think the issue is important at all. The members have also emphasized the need to get rural insight into the same-sex issue – as it’s been the urban “chattering classes” dominating the debate.

Xtra planted a secret microphone during a hearing in St Cadman, a small rural community in Saskatchewan. Mr E Gale is our infallible farmer fag hero who has just made his presentation.

ANDY SCOTT: Your case for same-sex marriage has been enlightening, Mr Gale. The pink chiffon was a nice touch. But please be frank with me. My sole purpose is to impartially collect the views of all Canadians on the special privileges folks like you are seeking. Simply to ensure Canadians are ready – or not! – for your homosexual family values. Okay, so would you marry a man, Mr Gale?

GALE: Yah. Like a dick’s a dick, right?

SCOTT: Eeuhh! You’ve been a member of the rural community of St Cadman for 29 years, correct?

GALE: Yeah, all my life. It’s a little lonely in a small town. But better a citizen of the second class than of the chattering class.

SCOTT: I’m a big supporter of cultural diversity, but when I see towns like St Cadman, I say to myself: “This is my kind of Canada.” So white, so pure, so… just like me. Until you showed up at our dumb hearing, I was thinking this might be a great place to live with my family. An ounce of prevention and a few more of suppression is my motto! It got me elected, anyway. Mr Gale, what’s the longest you’ve been able to sustain a sexual relationship with another homosexual?

GALE: A boyfriend? 46 years.

SCOTT: Impossible. You’re not even 30.

GALE: 46 gay years. That’s three weeks, two days. Not including two break-ups. But that’s only on account of we couldn’t commit to a monah… uh… monahhh….

SCOTT: A monogamous relationship, Mr Gale?

GALE: Yeah, that. But it might’ve worked if we knew we were allowed to marry each other. Shucks, a relationship without that kind of direction is like a game of darts without a target.

SCOTT: Let’s stick to the facts, shall we? Now supposing we do allow you to marry. What next? Adoption?

GALE: Well, a baby carriage is a hottie magnet.

SCOTT: Could you prevent your child from catching you in the act of kissing another man – your quote-unquote husband? It would be confusing for a child, don’t you agree? It’s certainly confusing for me.

GALE: Uh yeah. Good point. Uh, like, suppose we kept the kid locked up in the closet? Popular thing to do ’round these parts anyway.

peter MACKAY: Oh, for Christ sakes, I can’t take it anymore. This debate is a waste of time and money. My God, homelessness is a far bigger issue. Hell, on my way here this morning I walked by four homeless folk. Had to run back to park my damn Lexus in a better area.

SCOTT: Thank you, Mr MacKay, but it’s imperative we press on. You know, that silly Minister Cauchon and his odd ideas. He’s been spending too much time with Sheila Copps and Allan Rock. No, Mr MacKay, we must persist. Tell me, Mr Gale, why do you make no mention of the Bible in your argument for same-sex marriage?

GALE: Actually, I came prepared with a stack of Bible quotes but decided last minute against it, on account of I wanna come out of this inquiry sounding, um, at least partially educated.

SCOTT: Don’t you think you should address the contention that homosexual sex is incompatible with the Bible?

GALE: The hell it is. That damn book fits quite nicely into gay sex. Especially the leather bound editions… a swift smack on the toosh… mmm. Forgive my heavy breathing, gentlemen.

SCOTT: Oh God, why do these homosexuals insist on talking dirty all the time? I knew these hearings would get smutty. Next we’ll be hearing about fucking ass, that kind of sexy, smut thing [inaudible mumbling]. Um, Mr Gale, how do you respond to the fact that ever since tolerance for sexual deviances have become trendy, marriage has been cheapened, youth promiscuity is out of control and society is tearing apart?

GALE: I accept full responsibility.

SCOTT: Finally we’re getting somewhere. I’ve interviewed at least nine homosexuals in the past week and it makes me feel so dirty. Mr MacKay, am I starting to lisp? Damn that Martin Cauchon and damn these promiscuous hedonists! Damn them!

MACKAY: …Er, I’ll take it from here, Andy. You might want to go get cleaned up. Mr Gale, I assume you grew up fatherless?

GALE: Yeah, but born in genuine wedlock. Uh, although not actually conceived in it. See, my folks got married when granddaddy threatened to chop off my pa’s nuts after he knocked up my mother. But it didn’t last. Ma was getting fed up on account of my dad who was fucking around behind her back.

MACKAY: Cheating?

GALE: No, sir, sodomy. But she refused to take it anymore, so he fled to Denmark with a clerk boy from his meat packing firm. Ma never sought divorce, so I guess my folks are still bonded in that unshakable foundation of holy matrimony.

MACKAY: Thank you, Mr Gale. We must move on to Deacon Thomas, who’s up next to testify against same-sex marriage and he’s in a rush. Double parked his John Deere.