Arts & Entertainment
3 min

Batman v Superman vs Batman v Superman: A Gay Porn Parody

Dawn of Justice or the Dongs of Justice? Which pulls off the superheroes best?

With its worldwide opening weekend box office haul of nearly half a billion dollars, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice has captured global attention even as it has sharply divided critics and fans. But it’s not the only on-screen iteration of your childhood heroes being bad that’s competing for your attention this spring. Men.com’s NSFW Batman v. Superman: A Gay Porn Parody recently debuted its first instalment and Daily Xtra is here to settle the question of which superhero slam-fest is best. Beware, spoilers ahead.

Casting

We have no quibbles with the cast of Dawn of Justice. Henry Cavill basically is Superman and Ben Affleck is surprisingly convincing as a masochistic disciplined daddy Batman.

But the A Gay Porn Parody casting is a bit perplexing. Topher DiMaggio’s lithe build is better suited to the hero who skulks around in the night than it is to Superman — a point that’s quite obvious when he faces off with the much larger Trenton Ducati as Batman. Of course, with their tattoos, neither is appropriate for Superman, whose skin shouldn’t be able to be pierced by needles. I call bullshit, Men.com.

The Fights

Despite a gruelling 2.5-hour runtime, Dawn of Justice features remarkably few fight sequences. Instead, much of the movie is spent on macguffins and impenetrable dream sequences that are only there to set up future movies. When the headline match finally happens, the beats are repetitive until an absurd coincidence finally resolves the dispute. While there may not be a winner, the big losers are the cities of Metropolis and Gotham, which suffer extensive CGI property damage.

Taking a cue from its inspiration, Men.com has only released Part One of A Gay Porn Parody, with the headline matchup not coming until the soon-to-be-released Part Three. Part One, where Superman rescues an unnamed mugging victim played by Damien Crosse, features some relatively impressive fight choreography, although the only property damage is to a patio chair that breaks while Superman is fucking Crosse on it.

In both films, the conflict between our heroes is clearly set up as having a psychosexual element. In Dawn of Justice, Batman is plagued by nightmares where Superman captures him, ties him up, and strips him. Meanwhile, in A Gay Porn Parody, Batman stalks Superman to the scene of his latest heroic deed, and secretly sniffs and licks Superman’s discarded costume while he watches him fuck Crosse.

Gay Fan Service

For several cringe-inducing minutes, Dawn of Justice shows us Lois Lane (Amy Adams) bathing while the camera deftly moves so as to keep her nipples just out of frame. Unfortunately, viewers’ patience with this game of “just the tip” are not rewarded with anywhere near an equivalent amount of male flesh. Superman even jumps into a bathtub fully clothed as if to scream “no homo!” at the film’s entire premise.

Part One of A Gay Porn Parody is light on true superhero fan service, although our hero and victim spend a good deal of time servicing each other. Judging by the trailers, we have to wait until Part Three to see Superman fuck Batman in full costume, which is, after all, what we’re all here for.

Conclusion

With a basically straightforward plot, clear character motivations, and a surprising amount of faithfulness to the source material, we have to give the edge to Men.com’s BvS Parody.

But since we’re talking about fanboy service, we feel we have to issue a challenge to Men.com. As parodies, Men.com’s films are free of the copyright issues that have kept the Marvel, DC, and X-Men characters out of each other’s movies through the superhero boom. Why not take advantage of that privilege and finally give audiences the movie where Superman and Thor team up to fuck Green Arrow and Spider-Man? Or where Wolverine and Batman tag-team Captain America while Deadpool watches? In Men.com’s porn universe, the possibilities are endless.

(men.com)