I’m going to break tradition and be completely straight with you here (hardy har har): I’ve never done acid, ‘shrooms, toad-licking or any of those other wonderful hallucinatory drugs that helped Lewis Carroll write Alice in Wonderland so that he could spend far too much time lecherously hanging around little girls. Although, I did have some pretty vivid dreams after downing half a bottle of NyQuil. Anyway, I’ve never tripped balls, but I can only imagine that if I did, what I would see would look something like Beyoncé’s performance of her new single at the Billboard Music Awards.
I’m not really sure how to describe this for you, mostly because, unlike the people who thought up the performance, I don’t have a group of screaming demons living in my head. Here’s what I pulled from it: there’s some trippy 3D shit going down that kind of reminds me of the Nintendo 3DS, something like 50 bajillion Beyoncé clones for no real reason and enough flashing lights and colours to send Pikachu into convulsions. Oh, and Beyoncé does that weird dance move where she sort of jiggles her titties by flapping her arms so she looks like a stripper trying to do the chicken dance.
But that’s not even the best part! No, the best part comes at the 3:20 mark when she decides to walk through the audience and damn near assaults Glee’s Matthew Morrison. His reaction is just… fuck, how do I put it? All right, you know when someone embarrasses themselves so thoroughly that some second-hand embarrassment actually clings to you, and you feel the awkwardness of the situation personally? Yeah, that. Oh, and at the end, they cut to the two other chicks from Destiny’s Child, whom no one cares about anymore. It was easily the cruelest thing I’ve ever seen on an awards show. “Ha ha! Your careers were entirely dependent on hers! Wave to the camera!"