2 min

Bi, bi Barbie

Dream girl post breakup

Christmas confession time: I can’t think about the holidays without thinking of Barbie. And I can’t think of Barbie without thinking of femme-on-femme sex.

When I was a kid it was pretty much a given that even if I didn’t find the latest incarnation of the blonde beauty waiting for me under the tree one of my playmates would, introducing a new character into the local plastic pantheon. The new Barbie on the block would inevitably become the belle of the recess-time ball, at least until all the established Barbies had a chance to get a sense of her and where she fit into the ever changing, overly complicated all-femme social scene.

Although I’ve never actually met a Ken doll in the plastic, I’ve heard enough about him to believe that he exists. But when the couple broke up last February, I was hardly surprised. In fact, as I read the reports from CBC and CNN (I kid you not) I was happy for her. It was clearly time to move on to bigger and bustier things.

Much was made of the timing of Barbie and Ken’s breakup, which coincided with the short-lived issuing of same-sex marriage licences in San Francisco. One Mattel executive hinted that Barbie and Ken’s decision to go their separate ways had to do with Ken’s reluctance to get married, while others claimed Ken wanted to tie the knot, just not with a woman.

While I’ve had my own suspicions about Ken’s sexuality, I’ve never doubted Barbie’s. In my mind, Barbie is quite clearly bisexual. And not in the 50-50 kind of way. I’m going to call her at more of a 20-80 in favour of the ladies. I should know. I’ve seen Barbie in action.

My Barbie dolls were making out with each other long before I really understood how sex worked. Pretty ‘N Pink Barbie frequently got it on with Peaches ‘N Cream Barbie, although they were too similar to get along socially. Golden Dream Barbie and Golden Dream Christie were practically inseparable, although GD Barbie was the jealous type, always worrying that Christie was going to run off with some other version of herself. Twirly Curls Barbie and Perfume Pretty Barbie had a torrid affair, meeting under the slide after school for some extracurricular action.

These days, I think Barbie must be outgrowing her narcissism – always wanting to date someone who looks just like her. It helps that she’s got more gals to choose from. Now that she’s officially single, my guess is she’ll hook up with one of the sweet young things from the My Scene set. Madison, Chelsea, Nolee – they’re named like fag hags, but they read as lipstick lesbians to me. Of course, it’s always possible that there’s finally more of a crossover between Ken’s social scene and Barbie’s, now that they’re just friends.