Arts & Entertainment
4 min

Bionic dildo fingers

The No No Spots' keyboardist says yes-yes to hot femmes

Marta is looking for a non-imaginary girlfriend. Credit: Matthew Lester

Marta is definitely Vancouver’s newest “IT” girl. In the past two years, she has become a huge presence in the city’s underground music, club and gay scene. She has made a real name for herself-just her first name, like Madonna and Cher. Come and get to know this gal on the go who is ready to take over the world as the hottest lipstick lesbian rocker around!

Michael Venus: How’s your pussy?

Marta: My pussy is wet right now and I’m not wearing underwear so it’s, like, all over my pants.

MV: What is? Your drippage?

M: Yes, the drippage. It’s like a taco salad down there.

MV: Down there were it’s prive-prive?

M: Who needs a thong?

MV: Okay. so, like, tell me who you are, li’l missy.

M: Well, I’m Marta.

MV: Well hello, Marta.

M: Hello, Michael. Okay, well, I am the keyboardist in the No No Spots and we are a new-wave kind of electro rock band.

MV: And you do a few other things too, don’t you?

M: Yes, I work at Bruce and Vu le Vu, and I act and DJ as well.

MV: Really? Wow, tell me about your acting.

M: Umm, I just started up again because I have been so busy with my band for the past two years so I’m just getting back into it and it’s going really well.

MV: You also used to make your own films as a li’l young’un, right? Tell me about them.

M: I used to make these silent Western films with, like, Asian subtitles that I would always make my mom and dad watch. My mom is this crazy Polish lady that makes my dad dance to polka music. I kind of have crazy, eccentric, lovely parents so it’s really good.

MV: Where were you prior to livin’ in da Cougar?

M: Well, I’m from Kelowna, good old K-Town, but I’m originally from Europe. I was born in Warsaw, Poland.

MV: How was Kelowna?

M: Kelowna is… well, it’s a good town. I heard you found Ogo Pogo and Nessie when you were there.

MV: [Laughing] I didn’t! I wish I did, god dammit! No, but seriously I heard you just love to eat puss.

M: I love eating pussy! I don’t like the boys. If I ever do, I tend to lean toward the femmie guys… like you Michael!

MV: Are we going to have sex? [We giggle away]

M: We could have a threesome. I can bring Maxime. She’s my imaginary girlfriend since I can’t find one!

MV: Why, being such a hot babe, can’t you get a hot carpet bumper?

M: I think probably because I don’t really put myself out there. It’s kind of hard sometimes in this city because there isn’t really a huge gay scene for the girls, to be honest with you.

MV: Well, to be honest with you, maybe after this article you’ll get a little… [kiss sounds]

M: Yeah! Mrrrrrrrrreeeoooowwww!

MV: So, what do you like to do sexually to girls?

M: Sexually? Well, I honestly only really had one relationship that was pretty intense for about a year and a half. But other than that, it’s mostly been a lot of flirting. It’s a small city and a lot of girls don’t know I’m gay.

I get a lot of big bald guys hitting on me that like to go kayaking and have their own internet businesses.

I just think women are so beautiful. I love a woman’s body. I love femininity.

I am extremely feminine and I think that’s another reason. It’s hard for me to find a girl I like because there aren’t as many feminine girls and that’s what I go for. Gorgeous girls… I like the ladies!

MV: Okay, so fill me up and fill me in with what else is up with you, the band, and other projects.

M: Well, with the band, things have been great! We’ve recorded a bunch of songs and we really are focused on touring, especially in the States.

I want to go out and explore and travel. That’s the best thing about being in a band-checking out all these different cities and meeting tons of new interesting people. I love Vancouver and it’s my home, but it is great to get out from time to time. When you come back you really appreciate it more.

I also have been doing a lot more DJing around town and getting back into acting. I’ve also been doing some more editing and video-related projects.

MV: Busy little tuna, aren’t ya? Now let’s talk more filth… I heard from someone, or maybe I’m just making it up, but the word on the street is that your fingers are like a bionic dildo or penis-like tool.

M: Oh, they are! They are like magic hands, two magic sticks. They go 100 miles an hour! I wish I could show you, but I suppose it’s not really that convenient.

MV: So, Magic Stick, what else can we expect in da future?

M: I just like being involved in a lot of things in the city and hanging out. I’m basically really focusing on the band because we’re doing really well. It’s almost overwhelming, and soon we’ll be doing a lot more stuff so…

MV: Who are your major inspirations?

M: Blanche Devereaux from The Golden Girls! She has the best sweater collection! And Karl Lagerfeld. He is amazing! I used to have a shrine of him but Blanche was such an eccentric woman she took over. I think I will be one of those eccentric old ladies with, like, 16 dogs.

Musically, I like to listen to a lot of stuff from Europe. I like Hong Kong Counterfeit, Stereo, total Depeche Mode and a lot of synthie stuff. I love playing keyboards, and I basically taught myself how to play when I joined the band. I would practice ’till, like, four in the morning and just get really into it. The whole band is so enthusiastic, which makes it so fun since we are all so driven.

MV: Finally, why is Vancouver so damn cool?

M: I love the gay scene here! It is so great. Not as big for the ladies but I love all my fembot gay boy friends. Ninety percent of my best friends are gay boys, I love them all!

Vancouver is really beautiful, people are nice, Celebrities is my new hangout. It’s a great base and my home!