Toronto
3 min

Break out the gay goggles

One of these things just doesn't belong here

Well, to quote Stephen Harper sitting down with his new cabinet for their first meeting since he and his “wife” took hold of the keys to 24 Sussex, great statesman that he is (with the most expensive, top-of-the-line hairdo Top Cuts has to offer, in the category of bowl or, as we called them in New York, Bowlios), may I say to you, as he said to them, “Hey, my fellow ‘mos! ‘sup?!”

And to further quote from the words of Stephen Harper, this quote taken from when he and his “wife” got back from a trip to Sandals resort in which his “wife” got tipsy on mojitos and told 20 people congregated by the pool that Stephen couldn’t make it that afternoon, “due to strenuous lovemaking the evening before.” Oh, but not with his “wife” — can you believe Peter MacKay showed up at Sandals? Shocking. That resort is supposed to be couples-only. Is nothing sacred?

So Peter MacKay showed up, he and Stephen got into a huge lovers’ tiff and Peter MacKay put on a pair of wellies, just as he did after Belinda Stronach sensibly left him, and he cried and stomped around like an Olsen Twin denied the last peasant skirt at the Bag Lady Outfit Emporium. Poor Peter MacKay. Or as he is known in select circles on Parliament Hill and in the “spank me” clubs he so often frequents, “Crybaby Boobie.”

Anyway, so as Stephen Harper said as he stepped off the plane after that ill-fated vacation, as Peter MacKay, still in his wellies, stomped ahead down the tarmac like the surly, sulky half of your least favourite lesbian couple, “It’s good to be back.”

I took a year-and-a-half hiatus from writing this here column for Xtra. I just got so busy with my work as Lindsay Lohan’s acting coach, which was rewarding work. But, as Stephen Harper said after that same trip to Sandals in which his “wife” met up with her old “roommate” Patty from Sarah Lawrence College and Stephen’s stomach was still hurting from where the lacey corset he wore when he and Peter were playing Ladies Of Howard’s End had been digging in to his hillbilly paunch, “Ouch.”

Helena Bonham Carter he is not. If you are going to dress in corsets and bonnets, you really need to lose a few pounds around the midsection. Dainty, frilly, girlie outfits from the Victorian era are not for the fainthearted. Plus I heard that when he had on the wig of golden curls he dropped his Viagra and it rolled under the door, whereupon he went out into the hallway, almost locking himself out! What a sight that would have been for the other people in the hotel!

Although it’s no more bizarre a sight than this man representing our country on the world stage. But I digress.

What’s been happening since I took a hiatus from life here as an in-print observer of the gay goings on? Whatchoo all been up to? Wait, let me put on my gay goggles and have a look at you all. There used to be a lady on a kids’ show called Romper Room who would look through her magic mirror at the end of each episode and say hello to all the kids she would see through the TV. It was the 1960s, when we could suspend disbelief a little more than we do in this cynical age of ours. Oh, and children’s show hosts were apparently encouraged to do acid. But I digress.

The Romper Room lady looking through the magic mirror makes me wonder what must she have thought right before the show was cancelled and she looked through her magic mirror at those watching at home. Whereas before it was “I see Jimmy and I see Patty and I see David,” it must have at that time been “I see… no one. Where the hell is everybody?”

Anyway, so here we go. I’m going to put on my gay goggles to have a look at you all. And they are very different from my beer goggles. Very different.

You all look great! Joe, you’ve been working out! Sandra, you started wearing pastels. They’re nice! Chantal, you’re parting your hair on the other side, I like it. Oh, look who got Botox! I see you Tim and Bob. Jorge, Kevin and James. Tom, Dennis and Steven. Rob, Greg, Billy… okay, you know what? I’ll just move on. Hey! I see Kathy. Looking good, girl.

Oh wait. She just put on peach-coloured sweatpants and kissed her cat on the lips. I need to put away the gay goggles. Anyway, it’s so nice to be back.

Homos, love ya!