Toronto
3 min

Break out the tickertape

Let’s see what’s going on in the world of good gay news!

Heather Graham is playing a lesbian lady in a new film coming out. Yeah! What happened to the prerequisite for playing a lesbian on film being oil shine and big pores? As a gay gal, I’m used to a certain level of quality in my lesbian filmgoing experience and this could really upset the apple cart.

How am I supposed to watch hot actresses playing lesbian love stories? It’s going to be a shock to my gay gal system like I won’t have known since The Chez closed down.

What will I do if I have to give up my cringing and flinching and looking away from the screen? Will I have to strain my eyes by actually watching an entire film? What am I going to do if lesbian movies actually begin casting attractive people? I don’t know. It’s been too much to dream of.

See, I don’t think you boys would have put up with years of the funny faces and the clunky acting. Sure, I know you’ve got your porn actors (and who doesn’t have affection for their stilted dialogue?). But our lesbian films, along with the questionable casting, often made your porn actors seem like Helen Mirren.

I also don’t think you boys would quite stand for the aesthetic the way we, the lezbluvian contingent, have. I really don’t. I can’t see you guys being like, “Ooh, a new gay movie starring the guy who played Mini-Me!” Or, “Hurry get your coat there’s a new gay boy flick at the Paramount with a makeout scene between George Wendt and Mr Burns from The Simpsons!”

Oh, I exaggerate slightly. It hasn’t been that painful. Or has it? My friends, I fear it may have been. Only now with my Heather Graham and my Imagine Me And You can I really accept the long painful journey it’s been. Sure there’s been some moments, dribs and drabs. (I loved that film, about two lesbian painters in New York who each leave each other for a man.)

But I guess there’ve also been bright spots. (Also a wonderful film, about a formerly blind lesbian pianist who regains her sight, little by little, till finally she can see again and plays Carnegie Hall. Then she leaves her girlfriend for a man.)

For straight people, the only thing I can say is what if Gone With The Wind had starred Jackie Gleason and Imogene Coca? What if Casablanca had starred Carrot Top and Roseanne? That’s what it’s been like.

What I’m talking about is lesbian film being part of good escapist Hollywood fluff. I love my Hollywood fluff and I’m proud to say it. (Not to be confused with my Hollywood fluffer. That was over years ago. She was nice, but apparently she wasn’t a waitress at Ponderosa as she’d claimed.)

I know it seems like a little thing, but when a mainstream Hollywood movie starring a hot actress comes out and the lead is gay, I’m all, “Tickertape parade!” No more dribs and drabs, my friends. (Although I hear they’re making a sequel to Dribs And Drabs, Dribs And Drabs 2, where the lesbian artist who left her partner for a man, comes back to her. Then they have a baby together and the baby grows up and becomes a successful lawyer. Then leaves her girlfriend for a man.)

In other gay news, apparently man purses are in. Phew! No fear. Swing it out, boys. So carry that Prada loud and proud, fellas. I wish I could carry a purse. I really do. A couple of weeks ago I put my mother-in-law’s purse on my shoulder while she was doing up her coat and I felt like a drag queen. Why? Because I can’t wear a purse and not feel like Gene Hackman in the final scene of The Birdcage with the teetering heels and the mop-like wig.

Although maybe I’m starting to get more in touch with my feminine side. Yesterday I went and tried on jeans and this sweet guy was helping me. The jeans were a bit long and he was like, “Would you ever wear them with a heel?” I was thrilled! I mean of course I was like, “If by heel, you mean a slightly boosted loafer, then yes!”

Well, it seems I’ve run out of space for the week’s gay news roundup. I didn’t even get to tell you about the Britney Lindsay lesbian affair rumour!

Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean Britney and Lindsay. I meant Britney Lindsay the woman who does hair on that makeover show, You Ugly! I think she’s gay.