Arts & Entertainment
3 min

Bring on the New Year

Toronto party scene roundup

Suffering from HLS (Heather Locklear Syndrome)? Just fucking had it with 2008? Television’s best blonde bitch ever (aka Sammy Jo Carrington and Amanda Woodward) hit the zeitgeist on its head while appearing on Late Night with David Letterman recently, stating, “There are three more weeks left of 2008. I’m not leaving the house.”

Perhaps your best friend didn’t steal your man, perhaps you didn’t check into rehab this year only to get arrested after for DUI and have your fugly mug shot plastered across the World Wide Web like Locklear. Maybe the sudden closing of Alibi on Yonge St is the only drama you’ve endured. But I’ve done a poll and 80 percent agree to feeling DONE with this annus horribilis, a global economic crisis served like a sprig of parsley (so bad even The Young and the Restless’ pool boy turned sudden Jew, Don “Brad Carlton” Diamont will be killed off early next year to save CBS Television some cash. Dire.)

So party your ass off this New Year’s Eve, won’t you? As though you were Oprah after Obama won, all full of revenge masquerading as joy. Here are your choice options.

Becoming an institution in and of itself, Steve Buczek‘s fete for fetish and leather fuckers, The Onyx Ball, takes place in a newly prettified Opera House (735 Queen St E) starting at 10pm and going until 6am. DJ John LePage spins and a shuttle splits regularly from O’Grady’s in the village. Asked for one word to sum up what to expect that night, Buczek answered, “Spectacular.” Tix are $35 in advance at Priape and Northbound Leather, more at the door. PS: Dear Steve B. Please send your poster boy Raulf over to my home when you’re done with him. Jesus H.

Of course, New Year’s mayhem wouldn’t be the same without the steamy shenanigans at Fly (8 Gloucester St) where Stephan-Stefane sandwiches are being served from 9pm until 7am. The charming Walther hosts (it’s been fun tosee his name grow in the scene this year; even Locklear says it was her one bright spark), and we’re talking a Stephan GrondinStefane Lippe DJ night, just to clarify. God, just imagine the state of the dancefloor come morning. “Unforgettable,” promises Walther. $60 VIP for a handy pass that gets you past the line, and regular tix start at $20, but they’ve got one of those annoying price structures so visit to get the full 411.

Something for the ladies and their friends comes courtesy of Denise Benson and Cozmic Cat. Cherry Bomb’s Black and White New Year’s Eve Affair takes place at The Raq (739 Queen St W) where doors open at 10pm. Tix at the door are $15 and $10 in advance at Come As You Are (701 Queen St W). DJ Le Freak C’est Keek joins them on decks, with Kids on TV’s Roxanne creating black and white footage to complement the classic (but not necessarily formal) dress code. “Flirty,” Benson’s press materials guarantee.

And you know it’s going to be twisted over at Buddies in Bad Times Theatre (12 Alexander St), especially with sexy Shane MacKinnon popping his cork on that poster for Pop, which starts at 10pm. K-Tel spins alongside MacKinnon — think bubbly-candy-retro under the disco ball. Admission is $25, or $50 for a VIP pass which includes admission for two and two personal-size bottles of champers, which is chic in a Paris Hilton sort of way, but only if you use a straw and can still do coy. MacKinnon’s one-word summary of the night ahead: “Raging” (as in “fury” or “stallion,” who knows?).

For those who like it free, over at Goodhandy’s (120 Church St) The Mandy Goodhandy Show is just that, with nudies Johnny Maverick and Sam Swift masturbating in 2009 and DJ Nik Red on decks. “Porn,” is the one-word summary offered up by Goodhandy’s Todd Klinck. Happy new year.

For those who like a little French, get thee to the west end where Matt Sims as Doppelhertz is bringing in Paris’s Kavinsky (he’s toured with the likes of über dance group Daft Punk) for some electro francaise at The Social (1100 Queen St W). “Mayhem!” assures Sims. Tix start at $40, but there’s some more of that staggered pricing here, so check for full breakdown.

But wait, there’s more — lordy, it’s a competitive one this year! La Gairy Brown copresents Arrival09 at Sound Academy (12 Polson St) with 9pm doors featuring a veritable orgy of dancefloor talent: Pablo Ceballos (as in Chus and Ceballos — yum), Hector Romero, Isaac Escalante, DJ Addy, plus Cajjmere Wray after he finishes a set for The Barn (418 Church St). Arrival09 also has one of those le sigh presale/early-bird pricing structures so visit for full deets, but tix can be had starting at $50 at this point in the game. Brown didn’t return my call by deadline, so I’ll respond for him: “Gorgeous.”

As in Heather Locklear gorgeous. Regardless of what kind of year it’s been for you, happy holidays, peace and love.