3 min

Bubba’s Angels

The lesbian anti-break-up service

Credit: Xtra West files

Lesbian and gay marriages may be creating a queer marital industry, but we fear that divorce, the dark side of marriage, will be just as lucrative.

As one queer woman told us when we asked her if she was excited about gay marriage: “Thank the goddess we couldn’t get married before; I’d be married and divorced at least five times by now. How embarrassing!” Not to mention expensive.

The perfect lesbian couple hovers over the community, part heroine, part mystery, part reproach. You know who you are and so do we. This column isn’t about you.

We are instead concerned about the imperfect perfect lesbian couple who breaks up when it shouldn’t and then has a hard time getting back together when each member realizes the terrible mistake they’ve made. If you’ve met the love of your life only to dump her in a moment of supreme insanity, this column is for you.

We have a theory that you are allotted one love of your life per decade after you come out. Some of you will meet all of these women in the same year. Bummer! But most of you are fortunate enough to have their appearances stretch out over a lifetime.

If you are lucky, you recognize a love of your life early and stick like glue. But most of us aren’t that smart, so we go round and round, getting involved with both ideal and less-than-ideal women and breaking up with them in equal measure.

If, in the new climate of legal possibility, you end up marrying some of these women (especially the really wrong choices), you stand to dole out quite a few of your hard-earned dollars on lawyers and whatnot.

Given that women make less money, on average, than men, just think how costly this is to the community as a whole! We can hear it now: “I’d love to play softball again this year but I just got cleaned out in my divorce and can’t pay my league fees.” Shameful!

Always ready to claim a new market niche, we are going into business to compete with the lawyers and, of course, to deliver a superior product in the event of marital distress. Bubba’s Angels Inc, that’s us!

For a fraction of the price of even a fresh-out-of-UBC lawyer, Bubba’s Angels will intervene when you are about to leave a love of your life. And here’s the best part-since you are too dumb to realize the mistake you are making, your friends will ante up the dough! What they pay today on your behalf will come back to the community 100 times over in an overall reduction of breakup costs.

Here’s how it works. Word gets out on the street that an imperfectly perfect lesbian couple is breaking up. Reasons for the breakup vary: conflicts over work versus leisure time, sexual breakdown, parenting plans… it doesn’t actually matter.

The issue seems huge to the couple at the time but friends aren’t so sure, so they hire Bubba’s Angels, who can see the past, the present and the future with tremendous clarity.

When Bubba’s Angels confirm that the breakup is indeed a terrible mistake, the stage is set for an intervention. The separating lesbian couple typically continues to live together in angst, despair and disrepair because they can’t afford to live separately right away. This provides the Angels with the window of opportunity they need, so they rush to the scene.

Three lesbians dressed respectively in leather, leotards and a red box pleat skirt burst into the couple’s apartment with karate chops and flying kicks. Their expressions are stern and they laughingly dismiss the efforts of the butch (if there is one) to challenge them. They have the moral high ground-they know it, the separating lesbians know it, and the Angels aren’t afraid to use it.

The intervention is short and to the point: “You, you have to stop putting so much pressure on her. And you, you simply have to give in and do what she wants every now and then. And both of you, stop this nonsense and get on with it.”

As they leave the scene (usually by leaping through a window), the Angels raise their fists and shout the Angel code: Get it together, Get over it, Get on with it!

Nine times out of ten this works-sometimes simply because the separating couple bonds against the intruders and rekindles those lines of communication and trust. Other times because the whole thing is just too silly and our lesbians can’t recall what the fuss was about anymore.

We admit that, on occasion, Bubba’s Angels’ outfits prove too appealing and one lesbian will decide to leave the love of her life to become an Angel. (Did we remember to mention their vow of celibacy?) What the fuck!