2 min

Buyers’ tips, part two

If I'm going to punch your donut, I'd prefer that it wasn't chocolate-filled

You’ve chosen your escort, agreed on a rate, made known your special requests, and now you’re en route to hook up. Here’s some more advice to make the experience a successful one.

It was Woody Allen who once said, “80 percent of success is showing up.” If you are going to be late or you need to cancel, send me a text or an email, and then at least I can try to find someone to take your spot.

My preparation routine for an incall takes at least a couple of hours over and above the appointment itself. The house needs to be clean, sheets changed, supplies ready, and I leave plenty of time to thoroughly clean and groom myself inside and out.

Personal grooming goes both ways, of course. I don’t expect you to be buffed and manscaped to the tits, but it’s shocking how many clients show up with skid marks on their underwear and cheese on their cock. If I’m going to punch your donut, I’d prefer that it wasn’t chocolate-filled. So when I suggest that we start our time with an erotic shower together and then I go to work on you with a Scrunge, take it as a hint.

The equally unappealing opposite of dirty is when a client is marinated in deodorants, body washes, hair gels and the like. Unless you’re wearing a “use only in a well-ventilated areas” warning sticker, show up clean but au naturel.

If you show up and you feel that the escort has misrepresented himself in his advertising, tell him immediately. You should only be expected to pay him for travel time.

I keep a small clock by the bed so that we can pace ourselves over the hour or so and we know when to start finishing up. I’m not a strict clock-watcher, but be aware of the time so that I don’t have to drop not-so-subtle hints that the time for foreplay is over.

Payment is the moment where the fantasy stops, and all illusions have to be suspended. It’s an awkward moment to the uninitiated, as they don’t know whether to leave it on the bed, wait for me to ask for it, or if I have a cashier/pimp waiting in the hallway with an invoice ready.

The best thing is just to hand it to me without an envelope when we’re done and you’re getting dressed. Feel free to tip if you think that it was worth it; like any service provider, that little extra goes both ways, but it is not in the slightest bit required. The most important thing to me is that you leave feeling like it was worth every penny.