Vancouver
3 min

Canada’s Number One Gay

My gold mine in reality television

They say if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Okay.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Making the Band when it came out and I have no guilt in admitting to my guilty pleasure, America’s Next Top Model, but things have simply grown out of control. One needs only to look at some of the show titles to see that reality television is officially silly: Skating with Celebrities, Amish in the City, Bachelorettes in Alaska, and don’t even get me started on He’s a Lady. But my deepest, most seething hatred is reserved for the shows that take some kind of art form and turn it into a competition.

My ire was most recently ired when CBC Television announced Second City’s Next Comedy Legend in which sketch comedy performers from all over Canada will compete for a contract with Second City. The show is hosted by fitness model and WWE wrestler Trish Stratus, natch. Oh sure, CBC could actually put the work and money into finding and developing an existing sketch comedy troupe–anyone remember a little CBC show called Kids in the Hall?–but instead they’ve chosen to jump on the reality bandwagon and create what is sure to be yet another Canadian television disaster.

So, I’m jumping on the bandwagon too. I’ve come up with my own exploitive reality television show and I hope you will all come out and audition for me just as soon as I get funding for it. I call it Canada’s Number One Gay!

What is the purpose of Canada’s Number One Gay, you ask? Why to discover talent of course! To shed light on gay culture and foster understanding in the Canadian viewing public, to encourage young… Oh forget it, it’s to manipulate fame-hungry gay people into mortifyingly embarrassing situations for ratings.

The first episode will air cleverly edited clips from the auditions where we seek our 12 finalists. The auditions will consist of karaoke, radiator flushing and a one-on-one interview with guest celebrity gays Toller Cranston and Libby Davies.

It won’t actually help you land a spot on the show but I would appreciate it if you could have a good story to tell about why you want to be Canada’s Number One Gay. You know, you’re competing for the memory of your lover who died, you yourself only have a year to live–hopefully you can time it so you die shortly after the pilot episode airs to really boost the ratings–or you have alopecia universalis and want to show the nation that you can lead a happy gay life with or without hair. Now that is some good television.

I, of course, will be the host. The contestants must all refer to me as “Mommy.”

Each show will focus on an aspect of homo life; hilarity will ensue. First up, the coming-out episode. Each contestant will call their respective parents, bosses, spouses, children, what-have-yous and reveal their sexuality. Our cameras will roll as contestants are disowned, disinherited and disenfranchised. The contestant whose family lovingly accepts him or her (boring!) will be eliminated.

When Mommy Mail arrives the next week at Gay House–a dilapidated character home in East Van–our competitors will squeal and get ready for the next challenge: gay bashing. Each member of the house will put their wits and fitness level to the test as they try to outrun a pack of angry young straight men with tire irons. Run lezzie, run!

“Are you woman enough to be Canada’s Number One Gay?” the nellie competitor from Flin Flon will read from episode three’s Mommy Mail. That’s right, it’s drag time! Both our gay male and butch female competitors will have 15 minutes and a tickle trunk of makeup and clothing, donated by our sponsor, Winners, to turn themselves into the prettiest girl.

Oh, didn’t I mention? There will only be butch lesbians on this show; femmes make for boring television. The least convincing girl will be eliminated and handed over to the mob from episode three.

By episode five there will be eight gays left. I will give them each a triple dose of crystal meth and enough poppers to kill a small village and send them off to the local gay nightclub. Beats! Booze! Blowjobs! Survive the night without contracting an STD or overdosing and you’re still in the running to be Canada’s Number One Gay. In a shocking turn of events, three contestants will be eliminated this week.

Next, I will divide the group into men and women, disregarding any claims by differently-gendered contestants because I don’t want to take viewers away from my next hit show, Skiing with Trannies. In this episode, the men will be locked in a bedroom with only chamomile tea for sustenance and forced to process their relationships for 24 hours. Meanwhile, the women will take on the task of redecorating a living room with only a $5,000 budget from Ethan Allen.

I can’t reveal any more thrilling details from the remaining episodes or you might not watch my show. Suffice it to say, Mommy’s going to cash in.