I’m a couple weeks into my four-month workout campaign at Evolution Fitness and still pear-shaped.
My first session with my personal trainer, Sam, included a lot of squat-curl-presses (a difficult manoeuvre that combines squats — lots of comical almost-twerking involved there — and shoulder presses), which turned my legs completely to jelly, making it very difficult to walk for several days. By the end of the session, I was not only still pear-shaped, but jelly-legged. Some kind of jellied pear — maybe a chutney. It seems appropriate, given I spent much of the session talking to my hulking trainer about my grandmother, a notorious jam enthusiast. Don’t ask me why.
Never fear: we didn’t expect my physique to improve much after only a couple weeks. Sam is guiding me expertly through my workout twice a week, from cable rows to planking — god, I hate planking — and I have improved somewhat. I no longer walk like a drunkard after doing squat-curl-presses (though I get a bit red in the cheeks after thrusting my ass out so whorishly), I’m able to lift more weight all the time, and I relish cardio.
The mantra of my nutritionist, Dr Abs, seems to be “You are at the beginning of a long journey,” which is sort of amusing — I feel a bit like Bilbo being coerced by Gandalf to join the dwarves in raiding Smaug’s hoard — but his enthusiasm for nutrition is so impressive and contagious that I’ve already embarked on the first leg of my journey to Lonely Mountain. Besides which, he made it very clear early on that he would brook no challenges to his dietary decrees, stating matter-of-factly, “You will eat what I tell you to eat!” Through his stern guidance, I’ve increased my protein consumption (ahem), tried to make my first meal of the day the largest (each meal decreasing in size as the day progresses) and adjusted my carb intake.
I will continue to brave the cold and haul my aching ass over to Evolution Fitness in Yorkville four times a week to work out, break in my ugly new Reeboks and regularly report my progress back to Xtra.