Arts & Entertainment
3 min

Church Street’s pop mayhem

Material girls

There are many things I love about our little corner of the city. The many restaurants, the friendly faces, the hookers on Carlton who never trip in those huge boots and of course the accessibility of plenty of alcohol. Tipsy and looking hot in my leopard print unitard, I step over patches of dyed green puke that stained the sidewalk from the insanity that was St Patrick’s Day and head to the clubs and tubs for a round or two of fun, mayhem, beer and pop.

Round one: Battle Pop! The latest monthly event to hit the club scene, Battle Pop is luring the boys and girls to The Barn (418 Church St) every second Friday of the month for some friendly competition. The theme of this edition is “Girl Groups” where DJ Quinces and other guest spinsters play anthems and pop favourites letting the crowd decipher who is the shit. (The next one is Fri, Apr 10 at 10pm; no cover.) Though it may seem En Vogue or TLC are the favourites here, my left eye spots the crowd going bonkers for the Spice Girl jams. I find myself partaking in some strange sign language choreography I hadn’t previously enjoyed. There’s just something super special about those Brits.

I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want… I want my $200 back. Britney Spears recently lipsynched and oozed her way through two dates here in Toronto leaving me to wonder why, as a chubby lip-syncher myself, was I not booked at the ACC as well. The shrill shriek of teenage girls and twinks with freshly frosted tips filled the air, including an amazed Sofonda joyfully singing along. The wailing pierces my skull like an ill-advised game of darts at Pegasus and my head aches.

One segment of the show has Britney sky high above the crowd with her snatch hanging out of her costume like mortadella sandwich I had earlier that day at Reither’s. I open my umbrella just in case of crumbs and leave cheated knowing I could’ve seen bad lip synching at Andrew Harwood’s Revue for a 10th of the cost.

Speaking of umbrellas, both Rihanna and MC Texass would have to agree with me that hits and beats are best suited for loud speakers and they were served up in full effect at Big Primpin, now at a new location (Wrongbar; 1279 Queen St W) and better than ever. As far as monthlies go, you should put a ring on it because this one’s a keeper (next  up: Fri, Apr 3). There is infinite fun in watching gangsta poses dropped in favour of finger-shaking fierceness when “Single Ladies” and other ghetto fabulous tunes permeate the club. Cool cats Mahogany Brown and Maclean’s columnist Mitchel Raphael were in attendance and watched as Amy “Miss Buttah” Pearl got down on the dancefloor whilst balancing a chocolate martini and a Prada purse. These girls just wanna have fun.

I spot singer/songwriter James Collins who recently gifted Youtube with the cult hit “Cyndi Lauper said No,” a song written after the ’80s diva denied him the honour of a picture with her and caused drama on Lauper forums all over the net. It all worked out in the end though: The world has a fab new song and Collins was spared three days of his life Photoshopping her ancient ass.

Speaking of Photoshopping and ancient divas, Tallulah’s Cabaret (12 Alexander St) hosts Madonna tribute band Madgesty’s first full-length show on Thu, Mar 26, featuring more than 20 Madge songs live and reinvented. Founder of the group Chris Hopkins, who recently performed with the troupe at Can’t Stop Esther at The Pheonix, favours the Spanish-influenced Madonna songs best, recognizing the world renowned fact that Madge has a lot of Latin in her, if you know what I mean. I’m most definitely going to be there, but what will I wear darhling?  (Doors at 10pm; $12 cover.)

Material girls can be thankful that Fashion Week events were all over the city to help inspire and provoke your inner Karl Lagerfeld to run free. Nina Arsenault was all dolled up at the opening night party chatting it up with orange-faced Oompa-Loompa Ben Mulroney in a haze of bulb flashes and Fashion Television cameras. David Dickson opened the night with a Barbie-themed fashion show and wowed the crowd, though Nina’s awesome pink frock and shawl was provided by Fashion Crimes. The camel toe my unitard is giving me is a fashion crime and I wonder while adjusting if “Mattel” was etched across Nina’s ass before or after the theme was announced. Her upcoming show for We’re Funny that Way at Buddies in Bad Times in May should be a riot as it is based on her accounts and experiences in the back stage areas we don’t get to see.

Amazingly, I see, our city is still full of vigour, inspiration, anthems and divas even when we’re supposed to be wary in these tumultuous times. We’re all lucky to be able to participate and enjoy it, even if it is with a camel toe.