2 min

Cold-blooded panic

Head can be magical, but no one falls under a spell because his dick is in someone else’s mouth.

Regardless of the stickiness of the saliva, suction of the lips or double-jointedness of the tongue, you are still fully capable of rational thought while receiving any kind of fellatio — good, bad or surprising.

Jason Ouimet’s lawyer would have you believe that the blowjob his client received ignited some sort of hysteria that made him temporarily lose control of his mind and his sense of right, wrong and the law.

The ex-Canadian Forces soldier’s lawyer extricated his client from a murder rap earlier this month by arguing that Ouimet was so panicked when he woke up to find his dick allegedly in another man’s mouth that he punched Duane Lacquette several times in the head, then locked him in a UFC-style chokehold. It should be noted that Ouimet weighs 200 pounds and, along with his military training, is an experienced boxer. Lacquette weighed 165 pounds, had no training and was two inches shorter than the man who killed him.

Now, I’ve heard of a blowjob igniting an involuntary bodily reaction, like eyes rolling to the back of your head, knees jerking, even the anti-aphrodisiac known as the “mommy mumble,” where a guy calls for his mother at the moment of climax. But strangling? Like, really strangling, not just a little “Choke me, baby, choke me!” fun to spice things up? Strangling, as in squeezing the life out of another human being.

Well, that must’ve been some blowjob.

The way the defence spun the case, they justified Ouimet’s murderous actions by painting him as the victim. He was being sexually assaulted, they said, so he wasn’t thinking rationally. They tried, and some might say succeeded, to legitimize the existence of a spell known in courts of law as “homo panic.”

“Mr Ouimet knew that Mr Lacquette was gay — he had propositioned him earlier in the evening, [and] he just said, ‘No, thank you,’” defence lawyer Roberta Campbell told reporters outside court. “This is about a reaction to an unlawful touching and unwanted touching.”

Fuck off! He killed a guy with his bare hands. I’ve never strangled anything but my dick, but from what I hear, it’s not exactly easy to squeeze the life out of someone (not nearly as easy as squeezing the life into someone).

“Oh, really, Raziel, making sex jokes while reporting on a murder is so uncouth!” my mother would say.

Listen, I don’t care if the dude woke up with his cock so far down Lacquette’s throat his stomach was trying to digest it. That does not ignite any kind of gay panic, because such a thing doesn’t exist.

I hate children, okay? Yeah, that’s right: I think your ugly brat is annoying and has bad manners. Parents don’t know how to raise their kids, and the result is that they’re unpredictable little shits who make me nervous. Leave me alone with them and I’ll probably panic, but that doesn’t give me permission to strangle them!

I know, you’re reading this thinking, “What the fuck is this dumb blond bitch writing about now — did he really just compare Lacquette’s murder to strangling unruly children?”

Yes, I did! Because killing someone out of “panic” is a lame fucking cop-out that makes a mockery not only of the judicial system, but of the human race. If panic were a legitimate licence to kill, I’d commit suicide every time I get a pimple.

Yes, Lacquette’s alleged (unfortunately, he’s not around to tell his side of the story) behaviour was beyond inappropriate. Consent is important, people! But his actions are not to be blamed for his death. The cold blood of his attacker is.

Duane Lacquette was 21 years old when he was murdered. Jason Ouimet was sentenced to five years’ imprisonment for the murder, less than a quarter of the life he took.

Now that is something to panic about.