When you go to a comedy show — or really, any show that requires your undivided attention. — you go in the good faith that you and everyone there will have the courtesy to remain silent so that everyone can enjoy the show in peace. Or you could be like the butthole who went to see The Wolverine at Carlton Cinema and slow-clapped during climactic scenes, in which case I will silently wish death upon you. There’s a time and a place for your unearned sense of self-importance, and that’s not it.
Where was I? Ah yes: Stupid tool-boxes who talk during shows. In an essay posted on The Advocate, comedian Cameron Esposito wrote about a recent headline gig where she discussed how, as a lesbian, she hated lesbian porn but loved watching porn featuring muscular black guys. A surefire bit really, at least until another comedian started heckling her about how man-on-man is gross, but woman-on-woman is a-okay. Naturally, she let him have it . . .
I can’t remember what he said. Some nonsense. Then somehow — of course — we got to talking about two women together, which shockingly, he was completely fine with. In fact, he mentioned that he’d “like to get in on that, just mix it up like some gumbo.”
This is what I said to him then:
"I don’t know in what world you think yelling out about a threesome at a show — to another comic — is going to get you a threesome, but this will not happen. In fact, I wish I could take the concept of two women together away from you. Because it’s not for you. I wish I could go on your laptop and block your access to Orange Is the New Black.”
A couple things here . . .
#1: You don’t talk during a performance. This is not an interactive medium. If you absolutely need to scream at someone while they’re trying to keep you entertained, stay home and watch Dora the Explorer. That’s literally the whole point of the show.
#2: I’m sure this must come as a shock to you, but comedians fucking HATE heckling. It completely stops the flow of the show, it throws off the performer’s timing, and it only makes the person look like an attention-starved douche. It’s fun to see a heckler get their comeuppance, but really, most people would prefer they didn’t heckle to begin with.
#3: It’s generally not a good idea to combine your homophobia with points 1 and 2 up there. Really not wise. Sorry clueless straight men, but no lesbian couple will ever let you “get in on that.” The sex lives of others is really not up for your public scrutiny, so either keep it cute or put it on mute.
#4: I don’t actually have a number four. Have some more Cameron Esposito.