You know what I fucking love
more than almost as much as any food that is either deep-fried or chocolate-covered? When people email me stories or videos of insane religious people spouting crazy bullshit. Seriously, you can make my day right now by emailing me videos of angry, repressed thalidomide babies going full-on GOD WARRIOR on YouTube. My email is to the right, my lovelies. Go right ahead.
All right, so I got to start my day with this video, sent to me with much love from my producer at hardtv, featuring a pastor who thinks that Michael Lucas and his magical cheekbones of joy and wonder are the devil.
For the record, I love how he’s recording himself from the nipples up the entire time, because you can totally tell that if the camera went any lower, you’d see him jacking off furiously through his little sermon. Maybe it’s just me, but a bossy bottom just absolutely slays me. Slays. Me.
Now, I thought that my exposure to the warm, comforting embrace of religious crazy would be limited to that one little video. But no. The sky opened up, the choir of the angels kicked in and our Lord, The Invisible Bearded Giant Who Lives in the Clouds, delivered unto me the craziness of the Florida Family Association. The words “Florida” and “Family” should tell you everything you need to know about what’s coming up next, by the way.
Turns out, the massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG for short) Star Wars: The Old Republic allows you to enter same-sex relationships. No, I’ve never played it either, but gaymers need blowjobs too. Anyway, the Florida Family Association has spoken out about this affront against the Lord:
"There were no LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) characters in any of the ‘Star Wars’ movies,” officials note. “So if BioWare, the maker of ‘Star Wars’ video games, adds LGBT characters for kids to select as their action figure it could be something like Darth RuPaula, a combination of Darth Vader, one of the most popular ‘Star Wars’ characters, and RuPaul, the renown transgender cross dresser."
There’s so much wrong with this . . . Where to begin? First off, no LGBT characters in Star Wars? Really? Then what do you call C-3PO? Second, they clearly have no idea what an action figure is either, so they’re really just digging their graves even further down into the ground. Third, RuPaul is a drag queen. Not a “transgender cross dresser.” Do these people think that putting on a skirt automatically turns your dick into a vagina? Because that would be awesome.
Sorry, atheists, but you lose this round. The fact that these crazy, stupid people exist and are allowed to spout all the bullshit they can proves, without a doubt, that there is a God and he/she/they have a great sense of humour.