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Daily Roundup: Ludicrous lines!

They say truth is stranger than fiction and some days, the newspaper is sillier than any comedian.  Pick your favourite line from the last day's top stories:

— Former Playgirl editor Jessanne Collins on the magazine's attempt at a comeback:

"I don't know about you, but I'm tired of having Levi Johnston's penis thrust into my consciousness every time I read the news."

— NY gossip columnist Michael Musto recapping Sir Ian McKellen's hosting of a children's charity fundraiser:

"Sir Ian went on to blow a ping-pong ball out of his mouth…"

— Tampa, Florida police quoting US marine Jasen Bruce, who claims he chased and beat a Greek Orthodox priest with a tire iron because the priest grabbed at Bruce's crotch and said, "Allahu Akbar:"

"That's what they tell you right before they blow you up."

— Tampa Police Department spokeswoman Laura McElroy on the surveillance footage of the very, very not-gay marine defending himself:

"You see a very short, small man running, and an enormous, large muscular man chasing after him."

— Queen's University politics professor Jonathan Rose on Prime Minister Stephen Harper's four-week stint of tours throughout Asia starting today:

"They provide evidence of a leader knowledgeable of and in touch
with the concerns of new voters from these countries. We also shouldn't
downplay the pageantry and staged choreography."

the most ludicrous opening line of any US political story I've seen this year (and that's saying something!):

"A man claiming to have been Barack Obama’s homosexual lover and another claiming to have Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate say Laguna Niguel attorney Orly Taitz asked them to lie in federal court."

— and finally, the surprising but welcome resignation of conservative CNN anchorman and Mexican border fence enthusiast Lou Dobbs, who's leaving his home network of 19 years to consider "a number of opportunities and directions" — all of them, we're guessing, at FOX News.  I'm hoping the Dobbs-less 10pm show tonight features this new theme song:


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