Vancouver
3 min

Dealing with life’s little beauty emergencies

Mistress Rosamond always has more to give

It has come to my attention that there are some of you who still don’t know who I am!

I find this extremely difficult to believe. However, for those beauty illiterates out there who are unfamiliar with my famous life’s work (the pursuit of excellence in the field of unnatural beauty) let me introduce myself.

My life’s work began at the tender age of two when I got lost at the make-up counter of a large department store. The clerks there were so delighted by my demands for high-end cosmetics that they named a lipstick after me, Mistress Rosamond’s Big Red Stick, I believe it was called. Hugely successful!

After that formative episode, it was the simplest thing in the world for me to organize weekly spa days at my school. These days enriched grades one through eight tremendously and were gratefully attended by all of my female instructors.

I did a complete make-over on our high school cheerleading squad, which resulted in them going on to become internationally renowned.

It seemed magic and a sprinkle of fairy dust followed me wherever I went.

But, you know, my dear ones, Mistress Rosamond always feels she has more to give.

After those glorious good old golden rule days came to an end, I decided to venture a little further afield.

I studied beauty techniques from around the globe, from the facial mud of Egypt to the pedicure secrets of the Hollywood stars.

I devoted myself to the research and serious study of all that is beautiful. I also managed to foster my fantastically successful singing and television careers during this time. Darlings, I was busy!

Finally I rested my weary tootsies here at the Kink Klinik in order to share all of this magnificence with you.

And yes, you may, if your eyes can take the magnificent glare, gaze upon me.

I stand before you, the product of 20 years of intensive image enhancement. Every hair on my head and centimeter of my amazing body has been subjected to the most rigorous course of beautification.

Starting at a tender age with the removal of all unsightly penile and scrotal growths, and moving ever onward and upward to the implantation of my amazing hooters, I have triumphed!

It hasn’t been easy and it hasn’t been without pain, but darlings, I plan to share it all with you!

Many people are intimidated by fabulous good looks like mine. Please don’t be. I plan to share with all you crossdressers, tvs, t-girls and drag bags out there the hidden secrets to my world of beauty.

Perhaps, but only if you are very good, you may even be allowed to visit the wildly successful Kink Klinik. This is the salon where I have been practising my special brand of enhancement magic and creating the world-famous Total Look for gals like us.

In this brilliant little column, we are going to cover everything from hair to toes. I’m going to show you how to deal with every one of life’s little beauty emergencies with grace and charm, just like I always do.

Of course, no one expects you to attain my great heights of brilliance immediately, no no!

Baby steps, darlings, baby steps at first.

First we put on the stilettos, and then we learn how to walk in them!

Just remember that I, too, was once an ungainly duckling (well not really, but we can always pretend) and I have emerged today as the most magnificent swan.

Beauty can be yours! It’s all a matter of a little patience. And of course a lot of time and money, but we’ll talk about that later.

So for now, pumpkins, let us begin our odyssey into the beautiful, beautiful world of beautifying beauty! We’ll start with a scintillating discussion of body size and type, and coordinating your hairdo to your best advantage.

Take a good long look in the mirror before my next column. You’ll need to know if you are Rubenesque, Petitesque or Modelicious.

You’ll need to be honest to get the ‘do that’s right for you! Give yourself the big old hairy eyeball, and then we’ll talk.

Of course, I personally can never look in the mirror for too long. All that gorgeousness makes me a wee bit fainty. I think, however, it may be easier for you.

So stay tuned beauty seekers, be happy, love yourselves and blabbity blab blab. There’s plenty more good-looking stuff comin’ at you.

xxxxxxxxx,

Your Mistress, Rosamond