Toronto Diary
2 min

Debate time! Is it okay to assault someone for hitting on you?

After yesterday’s post on the Ohio gay teen who was beaten in the middle of class for being gay, I decided to follow up with a lively little debate, because I am nothing if not fair. We’ll be debating whether it’s morally admissible to assault someone for making unwanted advances toward you. I will be on the side that says “no,” and this random straw-man will be on the yes side.

See? Look how happy he is. Truly, this will be a well-balanced and thoughtful debate.

First off for the no side: try to remember every time you’ve had the hots for someone who didn’t reciprocate the feelings. Try to remember all the times you’ve been shot down by someone. Now imagine that every time you’ve been shot down, they were allowed to hit you with a folding chair. How long would it be until you completely fucking gave up?

People develop crushes and make passes at each other all the time. We’re sexual in nature, and since we’re one of the few species who does it recreationally, it’s gonna happen sooner or later. Teenagers are particularly susceptible to this because they’re at an age where their hormones and interests in sex are at a biological peak, while their emotional control and intelligence is . . . less so. Basically, teenagers are horny morons. Pile on the fact that gay teens in particular have no one to really connect with on a sexual level, as well as a general lack of gay representation in their lives to empathize with them, and you’ve got an entire group of kids who just want someone to be with.

I already went over my time in high school here, but I’ll be quick with this: being alone in high school blows. Being alone while everyone else has someone else blows. Knowing that, at that age, about  99 percent of the time the guy you’re crushing on has no interest in you? Blows. So most have to make due with crushing on what’s available: straight guys. I wielded my sexuality the way most people wield a battle-axe, something I still do. I figured that if some people had a problem with my gayness and wanted me to hide it, then fuck them, I was gonna deliver ALL THE GAYNESS. I got flack from the faculty, as previously stated, but my classmates knew what was and wasn’t acceptable. Someone being gay? Acceptable. That gay kid occasionally barking up the wrong tree? Acceptable. The owner of that tree kicking him in the teeth? Un-fucking-acceptable.

Listen up, straight kids, because I’m going to teach you how to turn down a gay guy’s advances. If he makes a pass at you, just say, “thanks, but no.” That’s it. You don’t need to literally beat your message into his face. Just say no. That’s it. And just keep saying no until he gets the message because sometimes these things take a couple tries to work. Kinda like lighting a match. Everyone’s eventually going to get hit on by someone they’re not into. The adult thing is to just say, “no, thank you.” The illegal thing is to commit a full-blown assault.

And now from the yes side, a straw-man.

The straw-man says nothing because it’s a fucking straw-man. Debate over! 

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