I’ll admit I read very little this weekend. Like most of you, I went to the movie theatre to see Jurassic World and judging from its half-a-billion-dollars opening weekend(!!!), it seems that most of us really love dinosaurs. Or Chris Pratt in khakis. Probably both.
But for every few hundred thousand people who really love dinosaurs, there’s at least one who really really loves dinosaurs. Perhaps too much. I’m talking, of course, about dinosaur porn, which is a thing. It exists. In our world. Today. As usual, I blame Amazon.
Thanks to Amazon’s self-publishing e-book program, prospective authors no longer have to deal with publishers or editors or even copy editors — they can stream the contents of their imaginations directly into their customers’ Kindle e-readers. It’s a brave new world and a deeply weird one. Starting in 2013, authors like Jane Dashiell and Christie Sims began selling 10-to-15-page short stories for $3 each with titles like Jurassic Gangbang and In the Velociraptors’ Nest, forcing us all to stop for a brief but terrifying second to wonder what raptor cock must look like.
But these ladies were just the warm-up acts for Chuck Tingle, a truly demented author from Billings, Montana, who is both wild with his queer sci-fi imaginings yet, well, limited in his prose. He is way too fond of the phrase “pounded in the butt,” yet the variety of creatures doing the pounding is impressive. There’s unicorns and Bigfoot and other butts(??) and, most famously, dinosaurs. His debut e-book was entitled My Billonaire Triceratops Craves Gay Ass and he’s cranked out about 35 more in the past year. He calls them “tinglers . . . a story so sensual, so erotic, and so powerfully gay that it will change the whole way you look at erotic romance literature.”
Indeed! Check out this passage from Gay T-Rex Law Firm Executive Boner, about a man named Danny interning at a law firm of gay Tyrannosaurs and, yes, getting a boner:
“Of course, that’s only the beginning of what these ancient monsters have in store for my ripped body. Almost immediately, the T-rex that had picked me up in the first place then positions himself in front of me. Two more of the prehistoric lawyers approach from either side and hold my legs back, spreading me open completely as I’m hammered up the ass from below.”
Chuck Tingle: is he genius, or madman? One of his most recent stories is possibly autobiographical: Lonely Author Pounded By Dinosaur Social Media Followers and in a rare interview, the reclusive author told the New York Observer how his erotica career got started. I assume they didn’t edit his reponse:
“I was working on my PhD at a famous university called devry and writing stories on the side. My son (look up to him lots) said they were a good job and he asked if i wanted someone to edit them. He took my words for a few days and checked the spelling, then he gave it back to me like a magic spell book. instant hits! Next day I wrote another story after starbucks and my son fixed it and then another magic book. turns out, love is real and the fans are real.”
With the mainstream media’s sudden awareness of trans people, Dr Tingle is riding that wave with his latest story, Angry Man Pounded By The Fear Of His Latent Gayness Over A Dinosaur Transitioning Into A Unicorn. There is clearly no limit to his imagination.
50 Shades of Grey started out as an ebook before Random House seized on its spiking sales and made it a mainstream hit. Could the same happen to dino-porn authors? See what movie stars Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard have to say below. We’re living in a Jurassic World now and it can only get sexier!
“Clever Girl” artwork courtesy of Hugo Dourado