2 min

Don’t be such a sofcho

Dissecting the post-metrosexual male

Credit: Xtra Files

A couple of weeks ago there was a story in Metro on the post-metrosexual male. The new gender-sex fad label is something called the “sofcho.” The photo of their case study looked like he had been peeled off the poster for an underwear party: wool cap, beefy, and mean looking. But under the sofcho’s gruff hypermasculine pecs supposedly beats the sensitive heart of a straight man who isn’t afraid to cry.

So far as I could tell, the only difference between sofchos and their homosexual counterparts is fags discuss their feelings.

When I finished the story, I thought, “Why can’t straight guys refer to themselves as gay without it being an insult?” Dress up the words any way you want-metrosexual, sofcho, men’s vogue-it means the same thing: gay. Or, as they say in the sex trade, “gay for pay.”

My friend, the SGIWF-straight guy I would fuck-once argued the gay influence on fashion has been blown out of proportion. Now, I know nothing about fashion and I could care even less, but there was no way I was going to take that lying down. “Admit it,” I told him. “You just don’t want people thinking you’re a fag because you shop like a girl.”

The same goes for the pink bus stops on Davie St. Straight guys hate them because they don’t want to get called a fag waiting at one. And being called sofcho is supposed to soften the blow? You don’t need to suck cock to be gay in the West End. Something tells me bashers don’t go around asking each other: “Is he gay or sofcho?”

What bugs me about all these adjectives for sensitive straight guys is that when a gay guy butches it up he’s still a fag. We can press twice our body weights, drive Hummers over curbs, defend our countries, and still it’s “that fag Richard Hatch.” Anyone who doesn’t think it takes a certain kind of man to take it up the ass does not know what it means to be one.

Before you know it, metrosexuals and sofchos will be demanding protection under the Charter of Rights. It’s bad enough straight men rule the world, now they want to rebrand gay culture and pretend it was theirs to begin with. Village People? What Village People?

Recently, a friend of mine showed me a cut on his leg and I all but screamed. “Don’t be such a fag,” he said. We both started laughing hysterically. It was funny because it was appropriate. I think it myself when I say things like, “Christina Applegate just needs a good vehicle.”

There’s nothing wrong with straight guys acting gay, as long as they’re man enough to admit it. Now if we could just get them to stop beating the shit out of us, they might actually get it right.