Blogs & Columns
2 min

Douche Cologne/Ten things I hate about U-haul

Before we delve deeper into the brotherhood of the traveling douche, I
would like to proclaim that I hate U-haul. And no, it's not just some
trivial dislike of mine blown out of proportion due to a fit of
frivolity. Nay, kind reader. I repeat: nay.

many years of hijinx ($19.95 vans turning into $369.82 vans, pick up
locations in Chilliwack, drop off locations in hell, etc), the shit
teeth collective at U-haul command-control-centre (perhaps located in
U-tah?) sent my sister and I to an abandoned, boarded up building in
the middle of Nowheresville, Vancouver Island to pick up a truck.

Here's a surprise: there was no truck there.

another surprise: Client Relations Manager "Zariak" (no surname, which
means he more akin to Jesus and Cher, than mere mortals like you and I)
told me a real zinger on the phone after I called 1-800-NO-BALLS. He
told me, "There's nothing I can do for you."

Well, "Zariak", why the fuck do you have a job then?

"There's nothing I can do for you" is something I would expect from:

1) Celine Dion (who also has no balls)

2) Lamb-Chop (who has neither balls nor a spine)

3) Bad jokes about spousal abuse (which take balls and often involve not the fun kind, but that other kind of beating)

I won't get into the other things I hate about U-haul (the name, the
hyphen in the name, the shorthand convenience of the name, the font,
its u-move monopoly here in Canada, the vehicle checks, the orange
everything…you get the idea)

Okay so I did get into it, but here's the real blog for today:

You may have noticed the resurgence of douchebag in popular culture. Sure, when John Mayer wears a douchebag shirt,
it's whimsical and poignant and delightful in all the ways it should
be. However, when you actually meet a douchebag, they are none of these

Don't know what a douchebag is and are too lazy to click on the hyperlinks above? You're my kind of people. Watch this instead!

  Douche Cologne Spoof on male cologne such as Axe body spray.