3 min

Dyking it out

Have you ever been privy to a vicious lezzie-on-lezzie girl fight and had to duck to the ground to avoid stray punches? It seems that at various events frequented by lesbians in this city fists fly higher than gay men wearing sunglasses at night.

So here I am coming to you as the messenger of an important truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth — I will only speak about what I’ve seen with my own eyes. I’m here to bust illusions that girl-on-girl contact is always soft, tender and sweet, or perhaps even like that idealized image you find in straight porno of aggressive mud wrestling transforming into women kissing and pounding each other with dildos while wearing long, acrylic nails.

In reality female virility lives large within the walls of events that are attended by lesbians, and particularly at female-geared jams attended by younger women. In either scenario power may be expressed by tantrums of physical violence and overt aggression.

Let’s take a moment to theorize what drives lesbians over the edge, causing them to go all Ike Turner on each other’s asses. I name alcohol as the primary accomplice at publicly unleashing the beast within. Watching some lesbians excessively consume alcohol is much like watching a fire slowly growing in intensity until suddenly it’s roaring out of control and ready to explode. When you witness a bottle carelessly slip from the grasp of a lezzie who you’ve earlier seen being belligerent, I recommend you move.

When I flip through the mental catalogue of the various dyke-on-dyke brawls I’ve witnessed over the years one particular alcohol-fuelled confrontation stands out in my mind. About three years ago I was out at Embassy Nightclub, which is a mixed hangout in Hamilton. In need of a breather, I went out to the front for some air with my friends. The night seemed no different than any other, but what I next saw haunts my memories.

As I lit my fag and turned toward the entranceway I saw two girls all up in each other’s grills. To begin there was finger pointing in the face, a couple of sha-nay-nay head swirls and eventually a light back-off push or two. My curiosity was magnetic and I couldn’t help but be transfixed, waiting to see what would happen next.

These women couldn’t have been older than their early 20s and this was reflected in the immature yet disturbingly amusing action that followed: One girl reached into her bag, pulled out an apple and threw it at the other girl’s head. This led to quick retaliation involving hair pulling, slapping, punching, dragging her nemesis’ body across the ground and, of course, filthy cussing. The only heinous visual missing was spitting.

I don’t know what caused this fight but it sure was whack to watch these ladies dyke it out. No doubt it was one of the most theatrical examples of girl-on-girl fighting I’ve seen to this day. In fact it seemed more like a UFC showdown with two mismatched contenders. Clearly crazy girl had a weaker opponent and this was a huge advantage.

I don’t think it’s coincidence that this battle was toward the tail end of the night, say at about 2am. This time my friends and I like to call Lesbian Power Hour. It’s between the hours of 2am and 3am when most lezzies are at their highest level of inebriation and the young ones appear most eager to stir shit up. I too recall that in my more youthful days I was less than pro at handling myself in a drunken state and irrational thoughts seduced my desire to create action.

Lineups for women’s events are another likely venue for lesbian Mortal Combat brews. From what I’ve seen this usually involves a run-in with an ex. Yes, the ex seems to be a trigger point for many lesbians of all ages. It’s like when you see a woman from your past every action made is as wonky as a dizzy tight rope. Irrational thoughts of once again eating bacon, lovemaking and having morning anal invade the mind.

As a result the most common lineup fight scene that unfolds is a smack session between exes; sometimes their mafia crew jumps in too. If there’s a new girlfriend on the arm of either ex, she often jumps in to support her new partner, out of obligation or chivalry. I think when estrogen intoxicates the air many dykes come out swinging, spurred on by primal instinct.

You would think that giant fab-bodied gay men would be the ones showing off their physical strength however I have seen only one or two gay confrontations over the years, compared to a series of dustups between labia lovers. It seems gays come more often in peace than their female equivalents.

I have schooled you now so go forth wiser about identifying when a dyke fight is going to breakout and be quicker to jet when it does. That is unless you enjoy perpetuating violence against women by women?