3 min

Eating marriage cake

Let's hijack marriage

Credit: Xtra West files

Okay, we’ve made our point over the past few issues about the problems with gay marriage.

There’s the fact that of all the issues and problems that lesbians, gay men, and transgendered people face, the federal Liberals took the most mainstream image of gay people to demonstrate their alleged support. And it’s kind of ironic that at a time when straight marriage is on the decline, someone, somewhere obviously thought that the spectre of gay marriage might just force everyone to get focussed once again on monogamy. But apparently, gay marriage is here for at least the short term, so we owe it to you, dear readers to look at the weird and wonderful ways that this small legal victory could effect major cultural changes.

While some queer people are sneaking off to get secretly married for very personal or very practical reasons of their own, we are imagining the glory of the highly public fag wedding. All that fabulous gay creative energy freed from enslavement to making het weddings sensational can now be devoted to an exalted celebration of the love of two (or perhaps three, four or five) men for each other. It’s a dream come true: it’s as if drag shows and football players’ butt slapping have been combined. It’s breaking all the rules and we can’t wait.

Steve and Ed are among the throngs of gay Vancouverites planning a June wedding (and who said June weddings have to be in June? In Vancouver, you have a better chance of a classic June wedding in October). They’ve already spent thousands of dollars on customized invitations and are head over heels in love with the process of wedding planning.

Says Steve: “It’s so fantastic getting married to a gay guy (as many straight women have found out the hard way, no doubt). Both of us are equally involved in planning every detail. Our wedding is going to be the best wedding ever.” The couple will exchange vows at Cecil Green House on the UBC campus, pose for photos in Queen Elizabeth Park and shut down the Fish House in Stanley Park for the reception.

Our friend Mark is also excited about his upcoming wedding. “I used to be so negative about weddings when only straight people could have them. But when Evan proposed to me I nearly fainted with happiness. Never mind that he had his cock up my ass at the time… We’re getting married on a cruise ship in the harbour. And let me tell you, there’ll be plenty of fireworks, honey!” We suspect the Symphony of Fire will be put to shame when these fags dip into their deep pockets and spend, spend, spend!

Bob and Graham have something a little wilder in mind. They are planning on having a combination wedding and bachelor party. “We’re planning on having both of the grooms jump out of a cake naked to start the ceremony and instead of ‘now you may kiss the bride’ the presiding officer (we haven’t gotten a minister or justice of the peace to agree to do this yet) will announce to all the men in attendance that they may now fuck the hell out of both these party boys. It’s going to be a night for us to remember!”

Despite the splendour and fashion sense that will be evident when fags unite, not everyone is overtaken with joy at the prospect of gay marriage. There is genuine concern about whether the stamp of marriage really will make queer relationships go straight. Our friend Dave, just rolls his eyes. “It’s not like heterosexual marriage is such a great thing. My uncle was married and divorced four times and now he says that instead of getting married again he is just going to find a woman who hates him and buy her a house. Is this how we want to think about our love lives?”

And, of course, there is the gender problem. A lesbian in a longterm relationship explains why marriage isn’t for her: “I came out in the feminist movement and really took to heart the criticism of marriage as a form of government-sponsored male bondage (not in a good way SMers). We’re not interested in copying such a destructive relationship pattern.” As for the “to each his/her own” argument, she replies: “I’m pissed off that my partner and I are taxed as if we’re married anyway. I’d like the Supreme Court to rule in favour of allowing us to choose not to be married!”

To be honest, we tend toward the latter point of view on the institution of marriage, but at the same time we want to see those two naked guys jump out of the cake! Is it possible to queer the wedding without straightening our relationships? What the fuck!

* In our next column we explore the ins and outs of Bear culture.