When Daily Xtra asked me to contribute a piece to a series on “masturbation mishaps,” I immediately said, “Sure!” Then I thought, “Wait a minute, what am I going to write about?” I’ve been doing this a long time, and I can’t remember it ever going wrong. I’ve never been walked in on unannounced or forgotten about the hot peppers I chopped for dinner. Nothing like that. I’m kind of a pro.
I first encountered masturbation in a book, but I was clearly too young to figure out what she was talking about when I read Judy Blume’s 1973 novel Deenie. When Deenie talked about a “special place” she would touch to make herself feel good, it went right over my head. I couldn’t figure out where that place might be. A friend of mine had the same reaction when she read it, so she chose a spot — her elbow — and was convinced that it worked.
A couple of years later, I read a more erotic and detailed description of masturbation in a half-hidden-on-my-parents’-bookshelf book. It was either The Story of O or Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask). I tried it. I loved it. I never looked back. I also never felt any shame about it; I just knew that it was private.
Admittedly, it is easier for folks with girl parts to indulge in unobtrusive self-love. A blanket, a poker face and some controlled breathing are really all you need. Trust me. However, it is nice to have the whole house to yourself and a long stretch of time to kill so you can really enjoy it. Of course, a quick wank is nice too! The important thing is to match the time and location with the proper method. Here’s my handy (see what I did there?) reference guide:
- Five extra minutes in the morning: Shower massage.
- Trouble falling asleep: Bed, with or without toys and porn (note: you don’t want clean-up to wake you up again).
- Sudden luxury of time and space alone: Couch or bed, with porn and toys, if desired.
- Putting off studying or chores or any kind of creative work: Couch (I call this procrasturbation).
- In a tent while others are asleep: In sleeping bag, slowly.
- At work: Washroom, single-stall accessible toilet preferred.
- Aroused while reading: Couch, chair, vehicle, other (blanket may be required; see above).
- Aroused while snowshoeing: Get off the path. Use a branch from a fir tree to cover your tracks. Remove one snowshoe and use it to dig a comfortable trench. Snowpants on. Mitten off.
If you infer from all of this that I have masturbated in many and varied locations, you are correct. One of the most interesting was enjoyed several times the summer I delivered auto-body paint. Many of the garages I delivered to were located on the outskirts of town down long, straight country roads. In order to relieve the boredom, I would sometimes give myself an orgasm . . . while driving.
If you are tempted to try this one on your own (and that’s really the point, isn’t it?), here are some tips:
- Make sure there is no oncoming traffic.
- Pay special attention at intersections (I recommend a pause in play).
- As you begin to climax, your foot may press down harder on the gas pedal. Be aware of this.
- Keep your eyes open.
- Have tissues — or better yet, wet wipes — in the vehicle for easy clean-up. You do not want to arrive at an auto-body shop filled with men high on paint fumes and whose walls are lined with pictures of half-naked women smelling of sex.
- Be sure to wipe the satisfied smirk off your face. Even if you are the butchest dyke around, it will be misinterpreted.
So there you have it. No misadventures, just pleasant ones. And now that I have finished writing this piece, I feel I deserve a little reward. I’m going to hit the shower. (Note: add this to list above.)