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Erik Rhodes’s twin writes moving letter about his brother’s death

When 30-year-old porn legend Erik Rhodes died in June of a heart attack from his alleged steroid and drug use, he left behind his twin brother, Jon Naughtin, who has posted an emotional goodbye letter on his Tumblr titled "Survivor's Guilt":

It was roughly 5am in the morning when Jack’s phone started ringing. We both woke startled and discovered that Riccardo was calling, I missed the call and called back from my phone which had endless missed calls all from Riccardo as well. I stayed positive thinking the substance of the urgenacy was over exaggerated by an insecure foregeiner. I called right back to hear his frantic voice telling me to get to New York Presbyterian Hospital, you had been taken there. There was no other details to the conversation before I hung up. This had been a similar phone call that I had received on multiple occassions for for you and as much as I wanted to believe that this occassion would be another repeat of the same, the emptyness I felt made me believe it was different. Dressing quickly I tried to convince myself that there was no rush, I’d see you and the source of all concerns would be elivated once I got to your bed side. I even assumed I’d make it to work shortly after and the gym later that night, so I packed my morning bag accordingly. Jack drove me to the Long Island Railroad where I was able to catch the next westbound train within momements of reaching the platform. The entire trip was the most uncomfortable ride of my 5 year commuting history. My mind raced with every possible scenario. My iPod played M83 – Midnight City and The XX – Intro (Extended Version) back to back on repeat the entire trip.  Arriving at Penn I encounters very little pedestrian traffic something that made the situation rather eerie and calm compared to my normal rush hour cattle stampede. I exited Penn at 34th and broadway and power-dragged a Blend 27 Marlboro as I hussled over to 6th to flag a cab to go uptown. The ride took minutes as the majority of NY still slept. The driver dropped me at the corner and I was finally there. Let me find my bro so I can breath a sigh of relief. Let’s laugh at what miscelaous ailment you left untreated that finally caught up to you or what kind of crazy situation caused you to be hospitalized for precautionary measures. Unfamiliar with the area I became lost and was pointed to the emergency room direction by the staff of Sloan Kettering cancer center. Walking to the door I was greeted by Riccardo. His eyes were filled with tears, his face flush red. He instantly hugged me bursting into tears. Pulling away from his embrace he simply said 3 words.”We Lost Him”. My stomach dropped, blood rushed to my face. I thought “I don’t believe this fuck. Not MY Brother ” I dropped my bag where we stood and ran to the revolving door. Once inside without direction I was guided to a curtain were I could just make out your toe from a slight opening at the end. I knew for sure that was your foot. I threw back the curtain and there you were. Three doctors seemed to be cleaning up from what appeared to be an instense struggle. But it was over. You laid there unresponsive. I grabbed your foot the same one that had guided me to you but it was cold. I called your name but you just laid there, your massive body, naked and a patchy grey. I reached for your hand in hopes a tight grip would be returned, but it too was cold and limp. I wanted to desperatly hug you and shake you until you woke up but you were covered in blood.  Instead I stood by your bedside and stared into your face that remained emotionless to my presenece. Your eyes looked back at me, but they were dark and thats when I really knew you were not waking up. You were gone. You left me, the biggest piece of me died there with you. I drive myself crazy wondering if I had made it there sooner while you were still fighting for life if you would have remembered me as you started to give up. You would have realized that you had a twin brother that you meant the world to and loves you unconditionally. Maybe you would have fought harder if you knew how much I need you. That image is burned into my mind. Its all I see when I close my eyes. And I hate that I have to remember you that way I just hope that you knew I was there. The person you entered into this world with was with you when you left it. 

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