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Everyone knows wizards like cock

A totally fake exclusive

When author JK Rowling outed Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore on Oct 19 it created a firestorm in the mainstream media. Dumbledore has kept a low profile since the revelation but sources say he’s not hiding out just because people know he’s a big homo.

Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee and Gandalf the White are in a triad relationship.

“He is more than my lover,” Baggins says of Gandalf. “He’s my mentor, protector and daddy.”

“I’m just happy to be part of his life,” says Gandalf. “How could you not love those bright eyes and that fresh face? We like spending time together and you know what they say about guys with big hairy feet…”

Baggins says his long-time lover, Gamgee, sometimes gets a little jealous of the time he spends with Gandalf but that over time Gamgee has grown more secure and has accepted that Baggins has enough love in his heart for two.

“The old bastard just won’t die,” says Gamgee. “I don’t understand what it is about him that Frodo likes so much. Maybe it’s because he’s so tall and wise and powerful. When it’s just Frodo and me it’s great, but when it’s the three of us together I feel like I’m just there to carry the luggage and fend off the Orcs. Whatever, all I know is Frodo’s going to have to make a choice one day: me or him.”

Gandalf introduced Baggins and Gamgee to Dumbledore three years ago at the White Party in Miami.

“He seemed like a bit of a loner but he was nice enough,” recalls Baggins. “He told us how he and Gandalf used to party at the same clubs and that even as a novice Gandalf could conjure up pitchers of sangria, mirror balls and go-go boys, all out of thin air.”

“That was a long time ago,” laughs Gandalf. “We did have a lot of fun in those days but something changed in Dumbledore after the whole Grindelwald thing went down.”

Gandalf says he’s still Facebook friends with Dumbledore and that the two IM each other almost every day. He says Dumbledore doesn’t care that Rowling told the world about his sexuality — after all everyone knows that wizards like cock. But Gandalf says his old friend is “mortified” that Rowling publicly recounted a painful story of unrequited love from Dumbledore’s past.

“I like Jo very much but I’m surprised and disappointed that she did that,” says Gandalf. “It was very inelegant of her to flap her cakehole about his private life to a huge group of Muggles. You’d never hear Dumbledore tell a hall full of Hogwarts students about how her first husband up and left her to raise her daughter alone in dreary Scotland of all places; dreadful, just dreadful.”

Xtra West tried to contact Dumbledore for this story, but he didn’t return calls before press time.

“Our headmaster is a distinguished professor of sorcery and we do not discuss the private lives of our faculty with the Muggle media,” a Hogwarts spokesperson wrote in a message that was delivered by a raven.

This is not the first time a scandal involving a prominent wizard has caused a media sensation. Since allegations surfaced that Merlin rather creepily stalked Nimue, one of the maidens to the Lady of the Lake, he has been dogged by sordid rumours of freaky heterosexual proclivities. Merlin has twice been photographed late at night walking alone and incognito in Camelot’s red light district, his conical, star-spangled, wide-brimmed hat pulled low over his brow.

Half a dozen big-breasted women have come forward to allege that Merlin paid them for sex. But Merlin angrily denies that he’s into vag and has spent a significant chunk of his fortune in litigation against scandal-sheet paparazzi.

“I don’t know whoooo comes up with these silly rumours about Merlin, but I can tell you that he has loved to suck dick as long as I’ve stood on his shoulder,” Archimedes the Owl, Merlin’s long-time companion, told one of Xtra West’s sister publications last year. “Anyway, whoooo cares what he does when he’s off the clock. Why can’t it just be about the magic?”

Merlin wouldn’t talk to Xtra West about the controversy surrounding him saying the matter is still before the court, but he did issue a statement about Dumbledore.

“My thoughts and incantations go out to my old friend Albus Dumbledore in what must be a difficult time for him,” wrote Merlin. “I’m shocked and saddened that with so much unreported violence and persecution against queer people — of which I am unequivocally and wholeheartedly one — that the mainstream media has chosen to pursue this private, personal and rather boring story.”