Toronto Diary
1 min

Everything in Toronto will kill you, says Dick Cheney

For some reason, Dick Cheney was booked to do a speaking appearance at the Metro Toronto Convention Centre, which . . . wait, really? That guy? I kind of feel like the market for Cheney’s thoughts and opinions up here in Canada might be a bit limited. Unless, of course, there’s secretly a large number of people here who are totally into oil profits and shooting people in the face, in which case, get it gurl.

Anyway, good ol’ Dick — that is the first time I ever typed that without referring to cock — went ahead and cancelled his appearance, because apparently, he thinks that Canada is such a dangerous place he’ll never be able to make it out alive. It’s like Escape from New York, only without the benefit of Kurt Russell being sexy with an eyepatch.

Part of me feels like Cheney is under the impression that any country where the people don’t unanimously agree with him on every issue is dangerous. Seriously, this guy visited how many countries when he was vice-president for eight years, but Canada is where he puts his foot down? What, is he scared he’ll be jumped by Paul Bellini while Jann Arden puts him in a headlock and Brent Butt kicks him in the cock?

Yes, Canadians can get pretty insane from time to time, mostly when it comes to hockey, for some reason, but for the most part, Canadians aren’t murderous lunatics. Or at the very least, they don’t invade countries based on faulty intelligence, so that kinda puts them a step above Cheney at least.

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