Vancouver
4 min

Face, the final frontier

Keeping skin perfect

Darlings! I want you to know that Face really and truly is the final frontier. For what is the point of having fabulous follicles, if they are nesting atop a dowdy visage? If Skin is looking like the surface of the moon, it will truly take a giant leap for mankind to see your inner beauty. Without Skin bright and glowing, you might just as well join the Klingons circling Uranus!

At any rate, here we are together again. I want you to know that I am overjoyed to see you, and I mean that. Joy is welling up from the depths of my shallow heart and lighting up my flawless complexion.

You know, people often ask me how I maintain my perfectly impeccable epidermis and if I’m feeling kindly, I tell them. My number one rule is this: Stay out of the darn sun!

This is easily done really, living here in the middle of the forest de rain. I actually saw the sun in Vancouver once. I believe it was in August of ’93 or ’94. I instantly dashed into the nearest darkened room and stayed there for five minutes until the beastly blight had vanished.

Sun will only turn the fairest peach of a complexion into a leathery Raisinette. If you simply cannot avoid going out in it, I suggest you wear a full body suit of fire retardant clothing at all times. You might also want to try some kind of rubber mask or bee keeper’s bonnet; it’s really your only hope.

The other thing you may want to try is receiving regular beauty treatments. Not only does this improve Skin’s appearance and texture, it is truly one of the most relaxing experiences in a salon de beauty. Why, I have seen people drift right off into Slumberland.

The only thing to remember is to try to keep all snoring and drooling to an absolute minimum. This is particularly important if you are prone to talking in your sleep. Loud cries of “Do me! Do me again and again and again, you hotrod stallion of love!” will simply not be tolerated.

At least, it did not go over that well when I… oh, never mind.

All right, now say you really cannot afford a trip to the salon. Perhaps you blew your budget on some other female fripperies, like over the shoulder holders de boulder for example.

Worry not my little ocean treasures. You can simply follow my strict daily skin care regime. Oh, and you must remember to drink plenty of water daily. This will keep Skin hydrated from the inside.

We begin by identifying Skin’s type, then we get to go shopping and buy all the products that will keep Skin happy.

Skin falls into four categories: dry, oily, combination and T-zone. For those of you sillies who don’t know this, the T-zone is the area along the bridge of the nose and across the eyebrows.

Once you have the correct products in hand, wet the face before applying your cleanser. If you put cleanser on dry skin, it will only shriek and shrivel up entirely.

Rub cleanser in with circular motions of the fingertips. Gently now, gently. We don’t want Skin getting all rubbed raw and chafed. Ah, that’s better.

Now, rinse well and apply toner. I will know my naughty darlings, if you have not toned. Then you may have to make it up to me or atone, as we like to say in the beauty industry. Toning brings Skin back to her proper pH level. So important, non?

Apres toning, it is essential to apply eye cream for those fine little wrinkly dinklies around the eyes. The rest of your face should be quite happy with a good day cream massaged in. Remember to get an SPF factor of no less than 30. Who knows? The sun may come out at any time.

The only other routine that I follow strictly is to use a special acid cream once a week. This not only produces the most delightful hallucinations (just kidding), it actually sloughs off dead skin cells and reduces fine wrinkles. Magical, non?

Before we bid adieu, there is just one more delicate area that I would like to go over with you: problem skin. This is skin that has, due to no fault of yours, difficulties relating to the outside world. Skin may exhibit signs of this condition in many ways. The most common are debilitating blackheads and pimples, followed closely by boils, leprosy and running pustular sores.

Having never, ever, experienced any of these irritants myself, I was forced to consult with a local beauty guru in order to guide you. Here’s what she told me: You have two choices when it comes to dealing with problem skin. The first is to simply take up the monastic life, shunning all contact with other humans and remaining abstinent. A darkened closet is best recommended for this particular lifestyle choice. You can rent one right here in Vancouver for around $700 a month quite easily.

However, I personally do not advise that you do so. Problem skin can be dealt with quite effectively in the privacy of your very own salle de bathroom. This is my… oops, I mean this is what I was told you must do.

First apply your cleansing cream, and then steam Skin for three or four minutes, about as long as you would a tender young asparagus. Then, after covering the fingertips with tissues, gently squeeze out the offending blackheads or pustules. Do not press hard enough to bruise. Save that kind of thing for the boudoir de amori, if you must.

If this proves ineffective, I’m afraid you must seek professional help. Fear not. There is no skin so problematic that it cannot be cured. Hush now, I have spoken.

And having spoken, I must retire now to my own luxurious salle de bain for a rigorous steaming. Oh dear, I meant to say a hearty BM. Oh drat, of course, I meant a sumptuous shower. Oh, whatever!

I’m whisking off for now. Next time we will explore the delectable world of cosmetics. Sharpen your lip liners, break out your blushers and prepare to create beauty magic.

Kiss, kiss.

This month’s fascinating beauty info comes to you straight from the Kink Klinik, where Mistress Rosamond and Hedy have been secretly cleansing their pores.