Toronto
4 min

Fallen divas & hypnotic titties

Houston, we have a problem. Whitney is on the comeback trail with a new single, “I Didn’t Know My Own Strength, To Survive Freebase and Crack,” and it’s a real yawner. As one Facebook update perfectly puts it, “It’s not right but it’s okay.” She would have had more impact with a cover of “White Lines.” But I’m sure her demographic prefers the whole cliché of the fallen diva coming out of the dark and making it through the rain. I just wanna dance with somebody.

Get in the checkout line at The Supermarket (268 Augusta Ave) as Whitney Spears presents I Want To Be an EC Dancer on Fri, Jul 17 (10pm doors; free before 11pm). City TV’s Electric Circus was the mega popular dance show where every Friday night club kids, suburbanites, models and wannabes wore their best shit and preened for camera time and a chance to find out if Monica Deol was a drag queen or a woman. The Canadian dance show is cheekily celebrated at this party with all sorts of EC visuals, fashions and of course the notorious hits and sounds of the era brought to you by Gangbangaz and Grapefruit’s DJ Aural.

Barely recognizable now in their stylized and slick threads, Lena Love, Sofonda and DJ Blackcat, among other familiars, danced to Black Box, Deee-Lite and C+C Music Factory on EC years ago sporting some of the most horrendous and embarrassing ’90s outfits imaginable. Hopefully they still have them — they’re back in style. The city’s garbage strike prevents ugly outfits from being thrown out and it needs to end.

Is that the smell of trash or the Jennifer Lopez sample on my wrist from The Bay? Heading west where the sauce is cheap and where I stink up the scene. The beer may be cheap but the ladies of The Harlettes are classy asses in tassels. The sassy lasses slinked into Vdara (735 Queen St W) recently for a special Friday night appearance with their northern glamour-themed girly show and offered up some sizzling Canadian bacon that had the chef beat. It’s a well appreciated spot, garters and other filthy sexy things flew through the air and charmed the bewildered minions. As titalating as they are, the names of burlesque and stripper aliases can be cheekier than the drag ones, like Boobalicious Betty, Tanya Cheex and Susie Caboose. I’m still awaiting the arrival of Teah Bagma Forhead.

Burlesque troupes like Skin Tight Outta Sight and The Scandelles work it all over this city, especially the funkier parts of town like Kensington Market, where it smells like fish anyways. Get an amazing tast-sampler of burly-q talent at the Toronto Burlesque Festival, running Thu, Jul 23 to 26 (Torontoburlesquefestival.com). The tit is always a hit.

Her name was Lola, she was a spice girl. Lola’s Commissary (634 Church St) is where I recently discovered my favourite new dish and spotted the fabulously rude and starving Daytona Bitch inhaling parfaits with Russian burlesque star Minx Luscious (they’re everywhere). Before the space reopened as the stunning commissary it was allegedly a total hell hole that’s now been turned into the chicest hot spot and dining fave on uptown Church St. The food is so good I wasn’t at all surprised when I discovered with my bionic hearing that owner and head chef Therese Degrace was the charismatic and acclaimed winner of the hit TV show The Pressure Cooker, as well as the hostess of Toronto Living and Toronto Dining. Teamed up, literally, with her partner Karen Balcom, former owner of legendary lesbian bar Pope Joan, the couple assembled an awesome team to stimulate and satisfy the appetite with awe-inspiring flavour to savour. One more order of that cheesecake-stuffed French toast and I’ll be joining Candice and Carlotta onstage for duets.

There’s going to be a launch at the end of the month sometime to welcome the neighbourhood in and if you’re a smart tart you’ll eat it up.

Pride memories linger on like a sun burn and I’m one of the tanned lucky bitches who had the chance to check out Esthero, who can seriously charm a crowd and belt out a tune. I think maybe Whitney has forgotten that pipes are best suited for singing and not so much for crack. Esthero thankfully did perform “We R in Need of A Musical Revolution” but the treat was a surprise appearance by indie queen Gentleman Reg and the two covered the Freddy Mercury and David Bowie classic “Under Pressure.” They even had the guy with the “You’re All Going To Hell” sign tapping his foot along. Aside from Mayor David Miller’s amazingly acrobatic Olympic Pride Parade performance, it was definitely one of the unexpected highlights.

Mayor Miller didn’t do any summersaults or cartwheels but I’m quite sure I saw a little vogueing and a loosely based interpretation of the car wash. Go baby, go-go. The beloved Tighty Whitey Car Wash on Sun, Jul 19 (from noon to 4pm) soaks up the sun and takes over the alley between Café California and Zelda’s (538 and 542 Church St) with soapy sudsy hot summer boys scrubbing your hood in soaked skimpy’s whilst helping out the Toronto PWA Foundation. Spearheaded by the hotness that is Mr Steamworks 2009 Jon Henderson, the annual fundraiser is a blast and guaranteed to wheel ’em in and hose ’em down. There will be tons of pics being snapped so if you don’t want to be caught on film either drooling or playing with your nipples try and control yourself.

Perhaps it’s foreshadowing but I suspect by then Cajjmere Wray will have remixed Whitney Houston’s latest monstrosity and you’ll be hearing it over and over again till you crack like that pipe of hers. There comes a point when you must exhale.