Toronto Diary
2 min

Five things to do next time Union Station floods

Earlier today, a massive storm flooded Union Station, effectively putting a kibosh on travelling plans. Most would see that as a problem, but thanks to the power of Optimism (a street name for bath salts mixed with crushed Skittles and Valium), I have learned how to see a potential drowning/electrocution hazard as an opportunity. The glass may not be half full, but the government-sanctioned building is! So why not have fun with it?!

  1. Aquariums are expensive. Taking the subway isn’t! What better way to teach your kids about the wonders of the hydrosphere than a trip through the flooded public transportation system! Behold the beauty of both of Toronto’s native fish species! Marvel at the greenish-brown splendour of Ontario’s lakes and rivers! And sharks! SO MANY SHARKS! They’re closing in quickly on the smell of your blood, and there’s only one bullet left in the chamber! Nature wants you dead! Fight for your survival!
  2. Marco Polo! It’s not just for kids anymore! Gather your friends and wade around in a blind stupor until they clear out the water. Just be sure to clear out before 1:43am. That’s when the TTC lets the minotaur loose to wander through the tunnels to feed on the sacrifices.
  3. Cannonball contest! Whoever makes the biggest splash wins! Award points for highest jump and most water cleared from the station.
  4. Reenact as many of your favourite nautically themed movies as you can: Titanic! Jaws! Waterworld! Second Jaws! The Poseidon Adventure! Jaws 3D! The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou! Jaws: The Revenge! Tyler Perry presents Madea’s Jaws: The Revenge (starring Tyler Perry)!
  5. Take a streetcar! Rob Ford fucking hates that shit!!!

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