#1: Our new offices!
Sure, the Xtra offices back in the Village were nice, but. . . Yeah, the new offices are huge and awesome. Also, there’s candy by the front desk and it just keeps magically replenishing itself! I’m pretty sure they use Oompa Loompas…
#2: Penises and penis-shaped stuff
All of my most-read posts on this blog have involved penises. Whether I was writing about normal penises, famous penises, sparkly penises, work-out penises, artsy-fartsy penises, one penis, two penises, red penises, blue penises, or any other Seussian variation thereof, you guys just keep eating it up. My, that was poorly worded.
#3: Rob Ford will eventually stop being mayor
The weird thing is, although Rob Ford gives me just TONS of great material, I cannot goddamn wait until he’s gone. Sure, he’s an easy target, but holy shit, all the mildly witty blog posts in the world would not make this guy sufferable.
#4: Courtney Stodden’s face
Some backstory here: Courtney Stodden was a 16-year-old girl who married 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchinson. She speaks like a mail-order bride who learned English from reading Letters to Penthouse, and she constantly makes this face:
Once again: 16. YEARS. OLD. She’s like a face-transplant recipient trying to figure out how to be sexy. In short: she is *MAGICAL*.
#5: Turkeys as food, not living things
Suck it, turkeys, I just ate an entire pound of you and I feel fine. A little nauseous but fine. And tired. And the room is spinning. Why does everything suddenly have eyes?