3 min

Flip-flopping on the top-bottom continuum

Toppy bottoms, bottomy tops and everything in between

 It is a question we all must ask ourselves: Am I a top or a bottom?

I have posed this question to myself many a time and find difficulty settling on an answer. However, now that I have started seeing someone  — a man  — I know I need to find a clear and decisive answer.

Renaldo is one sexy beast. Every time I am with him, I want to skip dinner and head for dessert  — in a manner of speaking. The moment I arrive at his door I want nothing more than to take him right there and then.

However, in the interest of getting to know somebody better, I have to restrain myself. There is only so much I can learn about someone in between the brief moments we come up for oxygen when we start making out.

We’ve known each other for a few years now. Every several months we attempt to collect the wreckage from our last meeting and try, try again. Thankfully, I have abandoned my flakey ways and have decided to stick this one out this time.

He is a sweet guy with a killer body (smooth and muscular), and one hell of a kisser. We can usually let our mouths and bodies move freely and instinctively. The only snag is that I cannot commit to the labels of tops and bottoms.

“So are you a top or a bottom?”

I have not been in any form of relationship when this query has passed the lips of a would-be suitor.

As he gazes longingly into my eyes, massages my tongue with his own and moves his hands down to my belt buckle, I utter a non-committal “I’m, well, a bottom, I guess.” 

We find ourselves on his bed. Passion consumes our naked bodies. He crawls on top of me, strong and confident. My legs fly over my head with the flexibility I have been gifted with. He seeks to cross the threshold and just as soon as he is granted permission, I cough up, “Yowzers. I think I’m a top!”

Many a man has been put off by my inability to effectively communicate what position I prefer. I don’t want to flip-flop, though. Renaldo may be the last patient man in the world. If only I could find the right label.

I decided to consult the Urban Dictionary online and found that even labels seem to have labels. There exist not only tops and bottoms, but also toppy bottoms, bottomy tops, powerbottoms, and powertops.

For example, a power bottom “enjoys maintaining control over the top and/or the penetration, the normally dominant role in gay male sex.”

Okay, that doesn’t sound so much like me.

Conversely, a power top is “rougher, faster, harder, and oftentimes relentless in penetrating the receiver.”

Okay, that definitely does not sound like me.

I have been giving this issue more thought than usual lately. I had no idea I had such a sexual identity crisis.

Conventional wisdom states that a top is someone who favours a more assertive stance and enjoys the sensation of overpowering another. A bottom, on the other hand, takes on the submissive role, finding sexual release while being dominated.

Now both of these sound just lovely.

In my experiences, I am often ascribed the role of bottom without any words being spoken. With a slight build, I seem like the logical choice. The top seems to be the Braun in a well-oiled machine of lovemaking. It is he who will often do the heavy lifting, while the other just lays back.

I like the idea of exerting an amount of control over a sexual partner. Sadly, with my twig-like arms and natural passivity, can I truly claim to be a top? My gnawing lower back pain suggests that hoisting a man’s legs over my shoulders might not be the best idea.

The thought of becoming submissive to another is quite erotic. Perhaps I am indeed a bottom. However, given my slight frame, the position can seem to be a bit much.

On top of this, I have become convinced that I have the world’s tiniest anus. Given its response to sexual stimuli, I have come to the conclusion that nothing more than a Hot Wheels dinky car can fit itself in there. Not that I have tried to prove this hypothesis.

Where does this leave me?

I think it just comes down to whom it is I am seeing. A number of variables have to be taken into consideration before I can divulge any pertinent information such as whether I am a top or a bottom.

I want it all, dammit! I could be a top one day and a bottom the next.