Toronto
3 min

Fun on a Tuesday?

Workin' Church St

PARTY GIRL. Contestant Samantha Stone puffs with pride at Zelda's Drag Idol. Credit: Jason Janes

Whenever the temperature rises even a mere two degrees on Church St, the scene suddenly jumps with gym bunnies, leathermen, drag queens and everyone else in between seeking beer and solace from the imposed isolation of the friggen cold Canadian winter. Though it’s never too cold to get out there and find yourself a box — even on a Tuesday night… in Toronto!?

At the rear of Crews/Tango in The Zone, drag legend Amanda Roberts recently celebrated the fifth anniversary of her popular one-woman, all-request show Pick Your Box, where patrons, mostly wasted students, sift through her box of ear candy for their preferred flavour. One lucky gal’s request is honoured and we watch in horror as Roberts performs her comical robot-doll dance to 1995’s hideously fun “Barbie Girl.” It’s always a winner with the crowd.

Strangely enough a few doors down Samantha Stone is dressed up as a sex doll unlike anything The Stag Shop has ever shelved before. The annual Zelda’s Drag Idol competition is underway and the heat is on. A chance for local queens and kings to showcase their talented goods and an opportunity to nab the alluring top prize of $2505, I grilled the optimistic hopefuls in the dressing room at the infamous eatery to find out why they feel they’re the adequate contenders for the sought-after title, provoking a slew of snappy, saucy responses.

“I’m ambitious like Madonna, only tight,” swears one contestant. “I’m a bitch and highly edible,” says another. I try to stomach that argument.

Last year’s runner-up Tyler Uptight is back as well and promises to bring it on harder than ever. Yet the most logical reasoning for success comes from the biscuit-thin Ivory Gawth who proudly proclaims, “Because I shaved my back.” A crowning achievement.

The house is still loyally packed with familiar faces and onlookers littering the crowd for the eight-week run of the Casey House fundraiser. Recently at the event were comedian Richard Ryder, Bette Midler impersonator Bunny LeBlanc, the beasty Mama G and last year’s winner Daytona Bitch, sported the huge fake tits she scored from Walk on the Wild Side with her prize money. Personally, I go to watch judges Lena Over and Georgie Girl spew venom on the bitches and slowly chip away at the devastated hopefuls’ self esteem, much to the delight of the enthusiastic crowd. Lena Over, dressed up as psycho Jew Amy Winehouse, looks way too convincing and is cut off early at the bar because of it. Any word on when Winehouse’s follow-up to “Back to Crack” will be coming out?

With my sense of camp and fun heightened, I robot dance to Woody’s for DJ Blue Peter‘s weekly Retro Video Party. On the way I spot famed fiddler Ashley MacIsaac incognito.

Knowing where to find the booze and the boys, I arrive just in time to catch a hilarious Mommie Dearest video montage set to the beat (no pun intended) of Pat Benatar’s “Hit Me with Your Best Shot.” Christina, bring me the axe! Nevermind, I’ll fetch it myself.

A/X, Grapefruit and Besharam, oh my! Fly nightclub, having just celebrated it’s 10th anniversary, is still reeling in the dance campers with sizzling beats provided by hot DJs and performers on one of the best sound systems in the city — it leaves you with no choice but to shake your ass. There is never time to catch your breath in the club’s nonstop dancing atmosphere surrounded by fashion mavens  and super twinks. Watching these bitches dance all night is exhausting. I walk around the block once and feel like I’ve been hit with a bat. But you can’t keep an old bat down for long. Madonnarama is back at the club Fri, Feb 20 with DJ Ed Bailey along with shows, videos and remixes all night in honour of the Queen of Pop. BTW: She is running around with a hot 22-year-old model named Jesus. Hallelujah! There is life after love. Arrive early for, contrary to what you read, it will be tight.