1 min

Gay haiku poems for the Canadian election

From barebacking Harper to moustache daddy Layton


Given that the arts have finally become an election platform issue, I thought I’d spice up this month’s column by writing a bunch of haiku about some of our major party leaders.

Stephen Harper

Don’t I look sexy
In my baby blue sweater?
It matches my eyes.

Dildos are cheaper
With the reduced GST.
Queers should vote for me.

Sometimes I bareback —
on horses you big silly.
Your mind is dirty.

French kissing Quebec:
Try not to use your tongue as much,
Go for the big suck.

Stéphane Dion

Everybody knows
I named my dog Kyoto.
My cock’s name is Jean.

Maybe I should get
Glasses like Sarah Palin’s.
Perhaps some lipstick.

I play floor hockey.
Without a helmet even.
Don’t tell my mother.

I’ll get the gay vote:
Just tell them I’m related
To Celine Dion.

Jack Layton

By rolling shirt sleeves
I turn into Canada’s
Barack Obama.

I’ve walked in more Pride parades
Than most queer people.

Vote for my party!
Then watch the Conservatives
Come up the middle.

Put me in leather
And I become one of you:
A moustache daddy.

Elizabeth May

Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! FUN!
We’re the Green Party party!
Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! FUN!

Like Kermit the Frog
It’s not easy being green.
I’m often quite blue.

All these whiny men.
How can we fix our planet
When they won’t listen?

I’ve never inhaled
Or wrapped my lips around it.
For that I’m sorry.