June 26, 2008
Upon discovering that their coordinator Justin Nichols is gay, a Texas county teen court program quickly fired him and offered him a $26,500 settlement. Turns out, however, that their settlement document actually reads “$26,500,000.” The county office shouldn’t have hired that cheaper accounting firm H&R Bigot.
An overzealous Cher fan in Nashville was arrested when he grabbed the gay icon around the waist. Security moved fast to stop him, preventing the singer’s bones from exploding into powder.
A Pride week Catholic mass in Minneapolis was moved to the parking lot after the archdiocese told gay and lesbian parishioners the church cannot “celebrate their identity.” Meanwhile, a class action lawsuit filed in Antigonish, Nova Scotia, alleges that the Catholic Church covered up the sexual abuse of more than 15 children. Another reading from the Book of Hypocrisy, Chapter 109…
Coming out hasn’t hurt the career of actor Neil Patrick Harris: he’s the new pitchman for manly-man aftershave Old Spice and, in addition to his regular gig on the sitcom “How I Met Your Mother,” he’s playing the villainous title role in “Buffy” creator Joss Whedon’s upcoming web-based musical “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.” Harris’ honesty and success have almost-completely justified our childhood crush on “Doogie Howser.” Almost.
June 25, 2008
Boy George can’t catch a break this week. He didn’t make the Independent’s annual “Pink List” of the UK’s 100 most influential gay men and lesbians and, pending his trial for allegedly imprisoning an escort in his apartment, George was denied a visa to enter the US for his planned concert for sanitation workers. Yes, they really wanna make him cry.
In the week’s most-alarming-yet-kind-of-funny headline, Radar magazine shrieks, “Gay Men Arrested For Gay Sex on Gay Island.” Turns out, however, that the National Parks Service didn’t arrest people in organized raids on New York’s Fire Island but rather gave out citations and fines for “lewd conduct” during random patrols, which isn’t quite as dramatic. Unfortunately for the protesters, it remains true that public cocksucking is not a right — just a privilege!
21-year-old actor Hunter Parrish takes his shirt off on this week’s episode of “Weeds” and becomes an overnight Internet heartthrob. Must be the bed-head.
A week after debuting a cute commercial in which two men kiss, Heinz yanks the mayo spot after getting 200 complaints. Fox News gasbag Bill O’Reilly leads the charge, whining, “It’s confusing to me. I just want mayonnaise. I don’t want guys kissing.” Better avoid gay waiters for a while, Bill, cause that won’t be mayonnaise you’re getting.
June 24, 2008
The CBC worries that high gas prices and a weak dollar means smaller crowds at Toronto Pride this weekend but Australian Matthew Hudson sucks it up, saying, “Gays know how to party and I go where the party is. And it’s in Toronto this week.” So no worries: fewer cheap Americans + more hot Australians = best Pride ever!!!
The Vancouver board of education tells parents that their kids can’t skip out on classes discussing alternate sexuality simply because of any religious objection. Seems only fair — when I was in school, no one ever heeded my moral objections to dodgeball.
Still more fallout from the California marriage ruling: now the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is joining the fight to ban gay marriage in November. We can see why they’re threatened — there are more gays in the Mormon church than in hairdressing — but they of all people should know that you can never judge a man till you’ve walked a mile in his magic underwear.
June 23, 2008
The great George Carlin is dead at 71. The legendarily misanthropic comedian once noted, “Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can’t think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!”
UK Home Secretary Jacqui Smith says gay Iranian refugee claimants should be deported back, as there is no “real risk” for gays in Iran who are “discreet.” In a related story, Iran unveiled its friendly new tourism slogan: “Shut up or we’ll hang you.”
American science writer William Saletan says, don’t get too excited about further proof that homosexuality is based in biology, not ‘sin’ — since the causes point to prenatal hormones, it’s only a matter of time before scientists will be able to alter sexual orientation in the womb. Right-wingers are intrigued, proving that all those morals about protecting fetuses and scientists “playing God” can be tossed out because gays are icky!
The infamous double-entendre-filled game show “Match Game” is being revamped, with Sarah Silverman and our own Scott Thompson among the panellists. They’re going to need a lot more blanks once Sarah _______ and _______ Scott before _______ Norm Macdonald right in the _______.